There I was, lying awake last night, tossing and turning as I often do these days. The more I attempt to find solace in sleep, the more my anxiety creeps in. An unnamed dread bubbles up, suffocating me to the point where rest feels impossible. I find myself pacing the house, wrestling with thoughts about how I transitioned from my past to the present.
Having lived through intense, high-pressure situations as a soldier in a war zone, I thought I understood stress on many levels. On the surface, my life might appear idyllic—a loving husband, three healthy children, and a home filled with laughter. My kids, bless their hearts, are generally great sleepers, and my husband works tirelessly to provide for our family. So what’s causing this turmoil within me?
As the quiet of night envelops our home, I can’t help but confront the feelings I’ve tucked away. I joined the military at 18, diving into a whirlwind of activity and responsibility. By 19, I was deployed to Iraq, entrusted with the safety and lives of countless individuals. It was in that environment where I met my husband, and we built a life together.
Now, I’ve transitioned from soldier to stay-at-home mom. With a three-year-old and two-year-old twins, I’m their everything, and they are mine. It’s beautiful yet overwhelmingly stressful. At times, it feels like my life has come to a standstill while friends and family are accomplishing their goals—advancing in their careers, furthering their education, and celebrating milestones. Each triumph they share brings joy, but it also deepens that gnawing emptiness I can’t shake off.
I know I should feel grateful for the opportunity to mold my children into wonderful individuals and to share in their joys. But instead, I find myself trapped in a cycle of panic and dread, worrying that I’m being left behind, that my life is slipping away.
Each night, I pace, teetering on the edge of tears, yearning for reassurance that it’s all going to be okay. I crave someone to affirm that I am fortunate, that one day I will reclaim my place in the world. But the fear of judgment holds me back. In these vulnerable moments, I feel like a failure, even if I know better.
When I first became a mother, I envisioned a life filled with tender moments—rocking my baby to sleep, reading stories, and creating cherished memories. Yet, the daily grind leaves me exhausted, preventing me from fully enjoying the beautiful experience of motherhood. Life was simpler as a soldier, with clear objectives: stay alive, do your job, and keep moving forward. Motherhood, however, is a chaotic journey of trial and error, a constant juggling act of hopes and fears.
This is my cry for connection, an admission that I am not alone in feeling this way. I’m reaching out, acknowledging that something has to change. I aspire to be the mother my children can be proud of. If you can relate, know that you’re not alone either.
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In summary, transitioning from soldier to mother is a complex journey filled with unexpected challenges. It’s easy to feel lost amidst the responsibilities and emotions that accompany motherhood. But understanding that you’re not alone in this struggle is the first step toward finding peace and fulfillment.
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