In 2013, I discovered I was expecting triplets. My husband and I were ecstatic after years of struggling with infertility, but it didn’t take long for the unsolicited comments to roll in. Upon hearing the news, people often exclaimed, “Triplets?! How are you going to manage that?!” While I mastered my responses (and perfected my glare for the more rude remarks), I was unprepared for the even harder comments that would follow the loss of two of my triplets.
On June 23, 2013, I gave birth to my triplets, born more than four months premature. My daughter, Mia, passed away on the same day, and my son, Ethan, didn’t survive past two months. Before this experience, I had little understanding of child loss; it was truly uncharted territory. Like many, I wouldn’t know how to console a friend if they lost a child. Now, two years later, I’ve learned that some things are better left unsaid. Though these phrases often come from a place of care, they can be incredibly painful. Here are five comments that grieving parents would prefer you avoid:
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“Everything happens for a reason.”
This statement can feel incredibly dismissive to those of us who have lost a child. Life doesn’t always make sense, and sometimes, there’s no explanation for why tragedies occur. A parent should not outlive their child. I still wonder why my body failed during my pregnancy or why I delivered so early. I once confided in my childhood mentor the night before my son passed, asking her, “Why me?” She offered me profound wisdom: “God doesn’t give us only what we can handle. He helps us handle what we’ve been given.”
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“They are in a better place.”
Really? Instead of providing comfort, this comment often deepens the sorrow. I yearned to be a parent for so long, and children deserve to be in their parents’ loving arms. I believe every grieving parent would agree that we would give anything for just one more moment with our little ones.
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“At least you have one surviving child. Count your blessings.”
So, having one child makes up for the loss of the other two? I consider myself a positive person, but my heart aches for Mia and Ethan every single day. On the darkest days, it’s hard to “count my blessings.” Yes, I am grateful for my beautiful miracle child, who lights up my life. But I wish Mia and Ethan could be here, playing alongside their sibling rather than just being fondly remembered.
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“You’re still young; you can always have more children.”
It’s not as simple as that. Many people are unaware of the struggles couples face when trying to conceive. Some may never have children, while others endure long paths filled with infertility or miscarriages. For individuals like me, the thought of trying for more children can be overwhelming. After almost losing my life during delivery, the scars run deep.
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“I can’t imagine losing two children.”
Some days, I can hardly fathom how I cope either. Yet, we learn to navigate our new reality, finding ways to celebrate the fact that we made it through the day. This comment serves as a stark reminder of our profound grief and the children we lost.
So, what should you say to a grieving parent? While no words can erase the pain, simply being present and acknowledging their loss can be incredibly comforting. One of the most meaningful things someone can do is to speak their children’s names. Ask about Mia and Ethan; sharing those memories can bring warmth and solace, reminding us of the love that still exists. If you want to read more about this topic, check out this insightful post here. Additionally, for those considering at-home insemination, Make a Mom is a reputable retailer that offers at-home insemination syringes. For more information on pregnancy and home insemination, News Medical is an excellent resource.
In summary, when supporting a grieving parent, the best approach is simply to listen and acknowledge their pain. Remembering their lost children can provide much-needed comfort and connection.
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