When I envisioned having daughters, I pictured twirling in frilly dresses, hosting tea parties, and crafting beautiful hairdos. Instead, my child, whom I’ll call Jamie, chose blue from the very start. She preferred Buzz Lightyear shirts, loved playing with Matchbox cars, and was captivated by Monsters, Inc. While I had dreams of a little princess adorned in pink and sparkles, that wasn’t Jamie’s truth. And I wouldn’t change a thing about her.
As time progressed, Jamie received a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Throughout this journey, she consistently identified as a boy. After numerous age-appropriate discussions about anatomy, it became clear that this wasn’t a fleeting phase. Jamie was simply expressing her authentic self, devoid of confusion or a craving for attention.
I learned quickly that I needed to be cautious with my language. “You’re such a good girl” was met with a firm, “No, I’m a boy.” When offering her a pink shirt, she would vehemently refuse, stating, “I can’t wear a pink shirt! That’s a girls’ shirt!” We never imposed gender labels on her toys or clothes, yet Jamie was absorbing messages from her surroundings. She was noticing that boys wore T-shirts and sneakers, had short hair, and played with trucks and dinosaurs. In her clear-cut view of the world, she identified as a boy. To us, she may have seemed like a “tomboy,” but in her black-and-white world, there was no room for ambiguity.
Understanding Gender Dysphoria
According to WebMD, children with gender dysphoria often exhibit specific traits:
- Consistently asserting their identity as a girl or boy, regardless of physical traits
- Preferring friends who align with their identified gender
- Rejecting typical clothing and toys associated with their biological sex
- Expressing a desire to change their genitals to match their true identity
- Experiencing distress concerning body changes during puberty
One particularly challenging moment came when I had to explain the concept of male anatomy to my five-year-old. Just saying the word felt inappropriate, especially after she innocently referred to it as a “hot dog.” It was then that I fully grasped the reality of gender dysphoria. Jamie was aware and understood, even imploring me through tears to let her be a boy. “No, Mom! I don’t want to have a bagina! You can’t make me be a girl!”
Every day, we embraced Jamie for who she is—regardless of her interests or identity. While neither her ASD nor her gender dysphoria were shocking to us, they raised concerns about her future. Would people accept her? Would she find friends? Would she be happy with herself?
Eventually, I opened up to family and friends about Jamie’s situation, and to my relief, they responded with overwhelming support. There were no judgments, just acceptance. They honored her request to be recognized as a boy, allowing Jamie to express her true self.
But then, when Target announced its inclusive bathroom policy, I was bombarded with negativity. Remarks like “Transgender people are disgusting” and “They just want attention” flooded my feed, striking a personal chord. They were talking about my Jamie—my beautiful child. I felt a wave of sorrow as I reached out to my sister, sharing the pain of raising children in a world filled with ignorance and hate.
I understand that such comments often stem from fear. Yes, we live in a world with dangers—pedophiles and rapists—but the notion that a bathroom at Target is a hunting ground for predators is unfounded. Jamie has often stood outside men’s restrooms, pleading to go in. As she expressed desperation, I sometimes lost my temper, firmly insisting she couldn’t enter. “I’ll wait until they all leave and then go in myself. I will go so fast before they come in again,” she would promise. Her understanding of the situation and her resilience in the face of social norms reflect her deep sense of self.
A friend once asked me, “What’s the hardest part about having a child on the spectrum?” Without skipping a beat, I replied, “Other people.” This sentiment holds true for parenting a child with gender dysphoria as well.
To Jamie, I want to say: I will always support you in being your true self. I will never make you feel ashamed of who you are. As long as I breathe, I will fight for a world that values and embraces differences. Together, we will foster understanding and kindness, celebrating you every single day.
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Summary
Raising a child with gender dysphoria presents unique challenges, often exacerbated by societal attitudes. The author shares personal experiences with their child Jamie, who identifies as male despite being biologically female, and emphasizes the importance of acceptance and understanding. Through love and support, they navigate societal pressures and strive to create a more inclusive world for their child.
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