“How can you maintain a strong marriage when kids come into the picture?” This question was posed to me by a young woman named Emily, who was newly married and curious about the dynamics of parenting.
“Well,” I chuckled, “you’ll find yourself keeping score more often than you think.”
This wasn’t exactly the response she anticipated. Not because it’s not accurate, but because few people are willing to voice the truth. When discussing marriage and parenting, phrases like “it’s challenging” or “making time for each other is essential” are common. Yet, rarely do couples admit, “It’s incredibly tough because we’re mentally tallying everything.”
But let’s face it: scorekeeping is a reality for many. You might find yourself counting who got less sleep, who put in more effort, who cooked dinner more often, or who tackled the laundry. You may track the minutes spent rocking a newborn, the hours spent waiting in a doctor’s office, or the time wasted commuting to a job you dislike. Even small things, like the number of dirty dishes piled up or the unchanging toilet paper rolls, can become part of the tally. Whatever it is, eventually, those mental scorecards seep into your relationship.
Most people shy away from admitting they keep score, yet it’s a common truth—especially when life throws a curveball. A new baby or job change can quickly lead to a competition over who made the last run to the store for milk and diapers.
And if a couple claims they’ve never kept score? They’re either not being truthful or have reached a level of enlightenment that I can only admire from a distance.
The reality is that when life becomes overwhelming—and it often does with children—it’s natural to feel like you’re bearing the brunt of the challenges. You might think nobody else has it as tough as you do. It’s human nature to believe you’ve had more sleepless nights, tougher workdays, or been pushed to your limits more than anyone else.
It’s perfectly normal. Life is tough. Parenting is tough. Marriage is tough. But that doesn’t mean these aspects of life aren’t also incredibly rewarding.
Sometimes, we forget that “tough” is a relative term, and parenting, just like life, has its seasons. There are periods that are harder than we ever imagined, and other times when things feel much easier. Our human tendency is to compare and keep score.
Eventually, though, the weight of those tally marks can become overwhelming. Fatigue sets in. And then, you start to remember.
You remember that life is challenging, that parenting is challenging, and that marriage is challenging—for everyone. You recall that you’re part of the same team. You don’t just love each other; you genuinely like one another too. And you remember that when you said “I do,” you were really saying “I will remember.” Even when the laundry seems to multiply on its own and the competition of who-slept-less spirals out of control, you still remember that.
“Do you think we still keep score?” I asked my husband, Mark, one day.
“Absolutely,” he replied, perhaps a bit too quickly.
“Do you think we keep score as much as we used to?” I probed.
“Nope,” he said confidently.
“What changed?” I was curious.
“Too many arguments,” he replied, and we both laughed.
“We just got too worn out to keep score anymore, didn’t we?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
We chuckled a bit more, just as our younger son, Lucas, walked in.
“Why are you smiling, Dad?” he asked.
“I just really enjoy being around your mom,” Mark said.
So, when Emily asked about maintaining a strong marriage after kids, I embraced the truth: yes, we keep score, and yes, it’s tough. But as long as you remember you’re on the same team, that things will improve, and that you still genuinely like each other, everything will be alright. In fact, it might even be more than alright; it could be really, really good.
For more insights on navigating parenting and relationships, check out this other blog post about the realities of life after kids, found here. If you’re considering at-home insemination, I recommend visiting Make a Mom for reliable insemination kits. Additionally, you can learn about success rates for at-home insemination by visiting this great resource here.
In summary, keeping score in marriage, especially with the added complexities of children, is a common experience. While it can be exhausting, recognizing you’re on the same team and nurturing your bond can lead to a fulfilling partnership.
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