About two years ago, I made a significant shift in my parenting approach by deciding to stop yelling at my kids. For years, I lived by the belief that if I wasn’t raising my voice, I wasn’t engaging enough with them. It felt justified at the time. I would yell at their innocent faces because, let’s face it, they could be quite the handful, and I was often the primary caregiver.
Then, one day, I ceased the yelling abruptly. I metaphorically took the pacifier out of my mouth, snipped it, and tossed it away. Initially, I aimed to reduce my yelling, but it soon transformed into a complete halt. The atmosphere in our home became much more joyful. I was more at ease, and so were my kids. For a while, my new no-yell strategy felt like a parenting victory. I would ask them once, then again, and by the third request, I’d let them know that they were close to hearing my voice rise. They’d jump into action without fail.
However, it wasn’t long before my warnings became unnecessary. My little ones fell into line effortlessly. They were like well-trained ducks, handling tasks like cleaning their lunch bags or brushing their teeth without needing multiple reminders. Our home resembled a 1950s ideal family, minus the poodle skirts.
Of course, I still had my moments. Internally, I would yell at my kids in my head—frustration bubbling up in the form of silent eye rolls. Thankfully, I directed my frustrations toward an understanding partner, who had unwittingly signed up for my emotional outbursts.
Fast forward two years, and we’re now navigating the teenage years with two adolescents in the house. I could scream, but what would be the point? They’ve grown accustomed to my calm and collected approach and now seem to take advantage of it. Why has this happened? I was once the envy of my friends, the ideal mom with a peaceful home. So what changed?
Hormones
Parenting teens requires a unique approach—yelling isn’t effective. The voice you need is akin to the one you’d use to approach a hibernating bear or to gently wake your partner from a deep sleep. It’s a delicate, careful tone that only parents of teens can master.
Now, my teens are the ones raising their voices. Unlike when I was parenting them as little ones, they don’t give me the courtesy of warnings. They erupt like a kettle boiling over, often leaving me feeling unprepared. Instead of training my kids through my calm demeanor, I’ve inadvertently made myself ill-equipped to handle their noise. What was once a serene household has turned into a chaotic battleground, and I find myself at a loss.
This serves as a cautionary tale for all parents attempting to eliminate yelling from their homes. You might end up regretting it when your teenager raises their voice, and you realize you lack the tools to manage it. Remember the old saying: “If you aren’t yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” So, embrace those moments, raise your voice at times, and know you’re preparing them for the challenges of adolescence.
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In summary, parenting is a constantly evolving journey. Just when you think you have it figured out, new challenges arise, especially during the teenage years. Embrace the chaos, find your voice, and remember—you’re not alone in this wild ride called parenthood.
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