Just the other day, my little boy, who is four, asked if I could join him for a game while I was frying potatoes and the baby was wailing in his high chair. Naturally, I agreed, albeit with a forced cheerfulness, as I often find myself snapping at him when he requests something like creating an elaborate costume—like a “Subway Worker/Spider” or a “Knight-with-Ice-Powers.” These projects involve everything from Googling to scissor work, and sometimes I even go through a whole mood-board phase. I’m actively working to be less irritable.
However, playing Qwirkle while dealing with hot oil was trickier than I anticipated. When my son prompted me for the third time to make my move, I snapped, “Do you know how hard it is to cook and play a game at the same time?” Of course, he didn’t. He’s never cooked before, and the concept of multitasking is completely foreign to him. I worried I might be teaching him that asking for what he wants will lead to frustration.
We all know couples who bicker incessantly, turning every gathering into a scene reminiscent of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” Are their children destined to believe that sarcasm and putdowns are normal in relationships? Reflecting on my marriage, which will inevitably shape my children’s views on romance, made me think more critically. To gain some insights, I spoke with Ava Smith, a therapist trained at the Gottman Institute, who shared valuable perspectives on fostering healthy relationships and modeling them for our kids. Here are the insights I gathered on what happy couples teach their children.
1. How to Respond to Requests for Attention
Drs. Julie and John Gottman, a husband-and-wife team of psychologists, have pinpointed “micro-behaviors” that can either nurture or damage a relationship. They call these behaviors “bids for attention,” and how we respond to them is crucial. For instance, if my partner mentions an intriguing discovery from his research, I have three options: I can “turn towards” by showing interest, “turn away” by ignoring him completely, or “turn against” with a dismissive remark. According to Smith, happily married couples respond positively about 86% of the time, while those in unhappy partnerships do so only 33% of the time. Meeting emotional needs, even in small ways, is essential.
2. How to Gracefully Delay Attention Requests
As a mother, I often feel pressured to cater to everyone’s needs, even when I’m multitasking. I need to learn to say, “I can’t engage right now, but let’s talk after lunch,” without the underlying frustration that screams, “Can’t you see I’m busy?”
3. How to Manage Stress Without Losing Composure
Juggling childcare, housework, and work can be overwhelming, leading to frayed tempers. However, it’s essential to recognize that my stress isn’t my children’s fault; it’s something my partner and I need to address together. Learning to cope with stress without projecting it onto family members is a vital relationship skill.
4. How to Repair After a Negative Response to Attention Requests
Smith emphasizes the importance of “repair”—apologizing when we respond poorly to someone’s overture. Making amends demonstrates that we care about the other person’s needs. I made sure to apologize to my son about our Qwirkle game and promised we would play later.
5. How to Foster a Culture of Appreciation
“We should vocalize what we value and appreciate about each other,” Smith suggests. Simple acknowledgments like “Great dinner!” or “Thanks for handling the kids’ teachers!” reinforce a culture of appreciation in the home. It teaches children the importance of recognizing and valuing one another.
6. How to Engage in an Intergenerational Community
Involved parents are aware of their teenagers’ social circles. Smith advises getting to know your kids’ friends and inviting them over. If they encounter individuals who don’t treat them kindly, they will quickly learn to navigate away from those relationships. This foundational understanding of how to expect kindness is crucial for their future interactions.
7. That Contempt Has No Place in a Happy Relationship
The Gottmans identified four predictors of divorce: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt—the latter being the most damaging. Smith points out that children raised in environments with contempt learn to accept disrespect. It’s vital to create a home where kindness prevails.
8. That Sarcasm Isn’t Funny When It Masks Contempt
Smith notes that contempt often presents itself as humor or sarcasm. For example, when one partner interrupts the other with a dismissive joke, it can belittle their feelings. Such “humor” can have a lasting negative impact.
9. How to Create Your Own Family Culture
As a feminist, I find it surprisingly easy to slip into traditional gender roles. It’s essential to recognize how our upbringing influences our relationship dynamics. Smith explains that couples must negotiate their family cultures, deciding what to embrace or reject. Open communication is vital to create a new family culture that reflects shared values.
In summary, the lessons that happy couples teach their children about relationships are invaluable. From fostering appreciation to managing stress, these lessons serve as essential building blocks for future healthy interactions. For more insights on building strong relationships, you might also want to explore this resource on home insemination. Additionally, if you’re considering home insemination, check out this reputable retailer for at-home kits.
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