Last week, my energetic toddler embarked on an adventurous mission to uncover dinosaur fossils in the potting soil. He decided that a plastic T-Rex belonged in the toilet and made a quick pit stop to relieve himself on the kitchen floor—naked, of course. As I chased him while cleaning up after his escapades that had spread chaos across three rooms, I couldn’t help but mutter a mix of “OMG, WTF, are you serious?!” under my breath.
My little ones drain my energy before the sun even rises, which is precisely why I rely on copious amounts of coffee to keep up. So it came as no surprise when, after welcoming our second child, my partner and I threw in the towel and declared ourselves done.
Yet, every now and then, I catch a glimpse of a newborn baby—whether it’s at the park, during school pick-up, in a waiting room, or even scrolling through Facebook. My hormones kick in and start bickering with my rational mind. It always begins innocently enough, with my hormones nudging my brain and asking what it’s up to. My brain usually responds with something practical like, “I’m mentally tying our tubes.”
Inevitably, the hormones take offense, leading to a lively debate:
Hormones: You know what would be amazing?
Brain: A nap?
Hormones: No! Getting pregnant again! Can you imagine the joy of a big round belly, those glorious feelings of love, and the bliss of holding that tiny, perfect baby? That incredible newborn smell?
Brain: Are you out of your mind?!
Hormones: I’m high on baby fever! I want to get pregnant!
Brain: Sure, and then you can look forward to sleepless nights, postpartum hemorrhoids, empty wallets, and unsolicited advice from your mother-in-law! Sign me up!
Hormones: You’re such a downer.
Brain: Just keeping it real…
Hormones: But remember the fun, passionate times of trying to conceive? We could relive that!
Brain: Or you could just run and lose those pesky 10 pounds you always complain about.
At this point in the argument, the internal conflict escalates, making me question whether my partner and I were too hasty in waving the white flag. Could my hormones actually sway my logical side? As they volley insults back and forth, the conversation reduces to simple, humorous exchanges:
Hormones: Babies!
Brain: Money!
Hormones: Fun baby-making sex!
Brain: Sleep!
Hormones: Snuggles!
Brain: Your other kids!
Hormones: A year without periods!
Brain: Not having to push out another baby!
Hormones: The miracle of Life!
Brain: The miracle of peace and quiet!
Hormones: Baby-wearing!
Brain: Come on, you hated that thing!
Hormones: I did not!
Brain: Did too!
Hormones: Jerk.
And with that, my brain wins again, successfully dismissing the warm, fuzzy feelings of wanting another child. But then…
Hormones: You know, we could still enjoy the baby experience without all the hard work of pregnancy.
Brain: Go on…
Hormones: Remember how Dana was glowing over Ann’s baby bump?
Brain: Oh, I see where this is headed. We can just have our friends get pregnant!
Hormones: Now you’re catching my drift…
Brain: (fist bump)
My clever brain and those pesky hormones devised a plan that allows my womb to remain vacant while I chase after my little juice box warriors. After all, I can relish the joy of being the enthusiastic friend at baby showers and inhale that delightful newborn scent without any of the messy aftermath.
If you’re exploring options around pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource for pregnancy information, or browse reputable retailers for at-home insemination kits, like those offered by Make a Mom. For more insights, you can also read about various fertility treatments like IVF at UCSF.
In summary, the struggle between the desire for another child and the realities of parenting can be intense. It’s a captivating internal dialogue that many parents can relate to, balancing heartwarming dreams with the practical challenges of raising children.
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