Despite being 40 years old and having had three sexual partners—including a 12-year marriage—I’ve never had a true orgasm during intercourse. For years, I held onto the hope that it would eventually happen, as if by some magical occurrence. My first boyfriend, then my second, and finally my husband—each time I thought surely one of them would unlock the secret. But no, nothing ever happened.
Part of the issue may lie in my mindset; I’ve been a bit of a “Sexist” in the sense that I’ve relied on my partners to figure out how to bring me to orgasm. I’ve taken no responsibility for my own pleasure, thinking that if my partners were skilled enough, they would do all the work for me. But is that really how it works? Are there men out there who can bring any woman to orgasm, even if she’s never learned how to achieve it herself or feels too shy to ask?
My first boyfriend was determined to help me achieve orgasm. I was just 19, and he was older and more experienced, which led to some frustration on his part. I remember watching Don Juan DeMarco starring Johnny Depp, who portrayed the archetypal lover. My boyfriend commented, “He makes it look so easy.” That night, we put in the effort, but still, nothing happened. I enjoyed sex, but I just couldn’t reach that peak.
On my own, I can achieve orgasm in no time at all—sometimes in just 60 seconds. Is that part of the problem? Am I so adept at self-pleasure that I’ve somehow hindered my ability to experience orgasm during intercourse?
My second boyfriend was less understanding. He was upset by my inability to orgasm, and our relationship lacked the comfort necessary for open discussion. Feeling the pressure, I once faked an orgasm, but it was poorly executed. He didn’t seem convinced, and we broke up shortly after. I dreaded the thought of pretending again; I felt like a terrible actress forced to fake something I couldn’t deliver.
Then I married Mark. With him, I’ve been more honest about my experiences than ever before. Our time in the bedroom has been fun, and although I haven’t reached orgasm during sex, I still enjoy our intimacy. We’ve gone through phases of trying to “fix” the issue, but I explained to him that the pressure only makes it harder for me to enjoy our time together, and he’s respected that. We’ve come to an understanding: during sex, he helps me with masturbation, which has been our closest approach to a solution. But a full orgasm from penetration plus stimulation? That still eludes me.
Here I am, 40 years old and feeling inadequate in the bedroom. It’s frustrating, especially as a feminist; my pleasure should matter just as much as his. Why haven’t I fought for my orgasm more fiercely? Why has it taken me this long to feel truly outraged?
This year, I’ve resolved to change that. Mark is fully supportive, and I’m doing my research—yes, I’m serious about this. All we need now is time to practice. Yet, as February rolls around, we still struggle to find the time.
No matter how old I get or how long we’ve been together, I’m determined to master my own sexual pleasure. I deserve to experience orgasm during sex just as much as he does, and it’s up to me to make it happen.
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Summary:
At 40, I’ve never had an orgasm during sex, despite three partners and a long marriage. I’ve often relied on my partners to provide pleasure, which may have hindered my own exploration. While my husband and I have fun and communicate openly, achieving orgasm during intercourse remains elusive. This year, I’m committed to changing that.
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