After five long years of navigating infertility, the day I had been dreaming of finally came: my twins arrived. I always envisioned breastfeeding, but that dream shifted dramatically when they came into the world ten weeks early.
Some friends cautioned me against attempting to breastfeed, sharing their own struggles with premature twins. They regretted trying and only managed a few weeks before giving up. Given I had a cesarean section, the added strain of breastfeeding seemed overwhelming. After carefully considering my options, I chose not to attempt breastfeeding. I felt at peace with my decision, and my family was supportive throughout.
When one of my twins passed away at eight weeks, I found a strange sense of relief in not having breastfed. I believe that the loss would have been even more painful had I been forced to relinquish that intimate experience, not to mention the potential emotional bond I might have felt.
Fast forward four years, and my little girl was born. This time, I was determined to try breastfeeding. A few hours after her birth, I finally had the chance. She latched on, but as a first-time mom, I was unsure if she was truly feeding. I stayed in the hospital for four days, and I thought we were off to a good start. She nursed, fell asleep, and then nursed again a few hours later. I was hopeful that she was getting something.
After four days, I transferred to a mother/baby recovery home designed to pamper new mothers. That’s where the challenges began. My daughter was slightly jaundiced, making her sleepy, and when I attempted to breastfeed, she quickly dozed off. The nurses recommended stripping her down to wake her up, but even that didn’t work. I was then introduced to the infamous breast pump.
To me, that pump felt like a modern form of torture. The first time I used it, it was almost more painful than childbirth itself. I had an epidural during delivery, so I didn’t feel a thing then! The amount I produced was dismal. For the next two days, I was on a relentless cycle of pumping and attempting to nurse every four hours. My daughter remained sleepy, and my milk supply was nonexistent since she wasn’t suckling effectively.
By day three, my daughter was the one crying loudly in the nursery until she finally received a full bottle of formula, which brought her some relief. Despite the nurses and La Leche League counselors encouraging me to persist, the next day brought no change. I tried to latch her on again, only to find her peacefully asleep. I felt immense pressure and began to cry, feeling the crushing weight of disappointment.
In a moment of desperation, I looked at her sweet face and was overwhelmed with frustration. I had a fleeting urge to throw her down, feeling like a failure. Thankfully, my husband walked in just in time, and I handed our daughter to him until I could regain my composure.
That’s when it hit me: it was time to abandon my breastfeeding aspirations. If I was feeling like I could hurt my child over this, it simply wasn’t right for us. I did my best, but ultimately, my well-being and my baby’s were what mattered most.
And you know what? My son, the surviving twin, was formula-fed and is thriving. He rarely gets sick. I firmly believe mothers should do what feels best for them. Whether you choose to breastfeed, switch to formula, or not start at all, it’s your journey. In my case, my daughter was hungry, I was overwhelmed, and it was in everyone’s best interest that I switched her to formula.
If I ever get the chance to have a third child, you can bet I’ll be starting with bottles from the beginning. And honestly? I’m completely okay with that.
For more insights into family planning and alternatives to breastfeeding, check out this piece on intracervical insemination. If you’re considering at-home insemination, Make a Mom offers high-quality syringe kits to assist in your journey. Additionally, the March of Dimes is an excellent resource for anyone navigating fertility treatments.
In summary, every mother’s journey is unique, and it’s essential to prioritize your health and well-being in the process.
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