6 Reasons Why Being a Girl Scout Cookie Mom is Like Being a Drug Dealer

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As the new year rolls around, one of the most exciting events is upon us: Girl Scout Cookie sales. I may not have been a Girl Scout as a child, but when my daughter joined, I eagerly embraced the journey. The thrill of seeing her in her vest, adorned with badges, and the joy of helping her sell cookies was something I’d envisioned for a long time. I envisioned us going door-to-door, stacking boxes in our little red wagon, and even manning a booth outside the local store, watching her engage with customers.

What I didn’t expect was the fiercely competitive nature of the cookie-selling world. Other moms, who once seemed friendly, transformed into determined sales machines, intent on ensuring their daughters topped the sales charts. When I proudly shared that my daughter had sold 102 boxes, I was met with incredulity from seasoned Cookie Moms who boasted about selling over 350 boxes. Their competitive spirit became palpable, and I quickly learned that selling cookies is a bit like being a small-time drug dealer—though I’ve only seen that portrayed in movies. Here are six reasons why:

1. Money Matters: As soon as you start selling, you’re warned repeatedly to turn in all cash to “the Cookie Mom.” You even have to sign a document stating you’re responsible for all funds collected. I’m not sure if they’ll send collections after you or resort to knee-breaking, but either way, I’m not keen to find out!
2. Respect the Territory: Once you enter the cookie-selling arena, you must respect the established Cookie Moms and their territories. These women have worked hard to cultivate their customer bases for years. Step into their area, and you risk getting cut out of the action.
3. Know Your Cookies: You better be well-versed in your product. Thin Mints? Yes, they’re still vegan, and yes, the price has gone up by 50 cents. But let’s be real: they’re still the best on the market. Demand is high, so don’t wait too long to place your order!
4. Secret Meetings: You’ll find yourself signaling your customers to meet in discreet locations, like the empty parking lot behind Walgreens. Before long, you realize you’re known as “the Cookie Lady.” Word spreads, and soon everyone who needs a cookie fix knows where to find you.
5. Temptation is Real: You promise yourself you won’t touch your cookies, but when they arrive, you find yourself sneaking bites in the closet while the kids are occupied. You might even brush your teeth afterward, hoping to hide the evidence. Before you know it, you’ve consumed an entire box and faced the reality that you might have a cookie problem.
6. Sampling is Key: Offering samples can lead to an exponential increase in your customer base. Once someone tastes a cookie, they become hooked. Before long, they’re buying in bulk to stash away for tough days, but eventually, they might indulge a little too much, devouring entire lines of cookies in one sitting.

So, before you jump to conclusions about that friend or co-worker who looks suspiciously slouched in their car with tinted windows, remember: they might just be picking up their Girl Scout cookie stash.

If you’re on the lookout for a cookie dealer, look no further. I’ve just gotten a pager for easy access day and night!

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In summary, being a Girl Scout Cookie Mom requires strategy, dedication, and a willingness to dive into a competitive environment that resembles the intensity of a black market. Whether you’re navigating the cookie circuit or simply trying to manage your family’s needs, the journey can be as sweet as the treats themselves.