The nursery is all set, the hospital bag is neatly packed, and you’ve signed up for the BabyCenter newsletter. Ah, the BabyCenter newsletters! A weekly delivery of advice for parents who are already swimming in information. But let’s be honest—who truly needs the guidance at this pivotal moment? Not the capable adults with fully developed brains; I’m talking about those tiny beings who just mastered the art of breathing—yes, the babies.
1 Week…
For now, your parents still exhibit a hint of energy, but that sparkle will quickly fade to desperate exhaustion when they’re alone. When hosting guests, they’ll feign enthusiasm while visitors poke your belly and offer unsolicited opinions on your features.
Overheard: “Your mom said, ‘Oh my! She has my nose!’ Can you believe it? If she has your mom’s nose, get ready for a lifetime of side-eyes.” – Dad
1 Month…
You’re getting used to this whole breathing thing, though it’s still pretty new. Your head, which looked like it was molded in a funhouse, is gradually returning to a more normal shape. Giants, who are ten times your size, swing you around while singing nonsensical songs. Despite the chaos, your parents seem baffled by your cries, even resorting to calling you “colicky.” Just hang in there—things are about to get even more intense.
Overheard: “Why won’t she stop crying? I don’t understand. Hand me that thermometer. Let’s check her temp.” – Mom
2 Months…
Enjoy the precious downtime lying on your back in the crib while you binge-watch your mobile (you won’t believe how the season finale unfolds!). Soon, your parents will start enforcing mandatory torture sessions known as “Tummy Time.” What they fail to mention is that it feels like a mild form of waterboarding. You’ll squirm on the floor while they scroll through their phones. And if that’s not enough, they’ll start administering gas drops, as if gas is the only thing that brings you joy these days.
Overheard: “Look at that! She smiled at me first! It’s because I put her socks on. And turn the heat up; it’s so chilly in here.” – Grandma
6 Months…
Did you know that during peek-a-boo, when your dad’s hands obscure his face, he’s still right there? It’s called “object permanence,” and you’ll be testing the limits of how permanent things really are by destroying everything in sight. Keep experimenting! If you’re unsure about something, just pop it into your mouth and see what happens. Your parents call that bland substance “cereal,” while they indulge in sugary treats. So who knows? Maybe that iPad is dessert!
Overheard: “Yesterday she chewed on my phone, and today she bit the cat. Where does this oral fixation come from? Pass the wine.” – Mom
1 Year…
Today marks a full orbit of the Earth since your grand entrance into the world, which calls for celebration. A colorful, frosted cake will be placed before you while everyone stares and sings. Oh, and guess what? The cake is on fire. After a few moments of sheer panic, your parents will extinguish it amid applause. Did you make a wish? Let’s hope it wasn’t for a healthful snack, because your first taste of refined sugar is coming, and everyone will find it hilarious.
Overheard: “She doesn’t know what to do! Just put it in her face! Haha! Look at her! She loves it!” – Aunt Lisa, with cake crumbs everywhere
2 Years…
The trauma from the birthing process will begin to fade into distant memory. The terrifying newness of life will transform into a realization of your newfound power as the center of attention. If you ever feel slighted, don’t hesitate to voice your discontent! Throw yourself on the floor, flail your limbs, and make the same sounds you did as a baby. It worked then, and it will work now. Get comfortable; everything will revolve around you from here on out.
Overheard: “I’m feeling it too. Let’s do this again!” – Mom
For more insights into the realities of parenting, check out this article on our blog. Also, if you’re considering at-home insemination, Make A Mom offers reliable kits to help you on your journey. For additional information and resources, visit Facts About Fertility, an excellent source for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, the journey of parenting is both hilarious and bewildering. From the early days of confusion to the realization of your influence, each stage comes with its unique challenges and triumphs. Embrace the chaos, and remember, you’re not alone in this wild ride.
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