Dear Max, I’d Like to Nominate Myself as Your Date to the Oscars

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Hey Max! Can I call you that?

First off, I owe you an apology. After seeing your incredible performance in The Wilderness, I finally understood the meaning behind that messy hairdo you rocked for months. I was a tad concerned about your scruffy look, but now it all makes sense. I’m sorry for doubting you for a brief moment, but I get it now—your taste in women is starting to make more sense too.

But let’s get real. The main reason I’m writing isn’t just to ask you to be my date at the Oscars. Okay, it is, but we both know you’ll probably take your amazing mom, whom you affectionately call Irmelin. She absolutely deserves to sit by your side; after all, she brought you into this world. Just consider this an invitation from a hopeful stranger.

You might wonder why you’d choose someone like me—a woman who’s blogging you an invite. Well, first off, I’m not crazy. I’m actually on track to finish my master’s degree in marriage and family therapy this May, so I’m definitely sane!

I might not be a supermodel, but I do have blond hair. I may not be in my twenties anymore, but at 33, people often tell me I look much younger. Funny how I once thought you were way too old for me back in the day, but now it’s amusing to realize I barely had a window of time to qualify as one of your girlfriends.

Yes, I’m a fan, but not in that obsessive way you might think. I promise I’m way too busy for that. In fact, I haven’t even seen all of your films—I never finished Gangs of New York because of my small quirk about Cameron Diaz. I like her, but I just can’t see her as a serious actress. Sorry about that!

But I did watch Titanic in theaters a whopping 11 times—okay, that might be a bit excessive, but I was 15! We all have a little craziness at that age, right?

Here are a few reasons I think you should consider taking me to the Oscars:

1. We both enjoy hip-hop. I was thrilled to hear Kanye West performed at your birthday party—talk about a kindred spirit!
2. You’ve got some moves! I saw that video of you dancing at Coachella. I love to dance too, and I could teach you a few new steps at the Vanity Fair after-party.
3. My lucky number is 11, which just so happens to be your birthday. Today is the 11th, too. Coincidence? I think not!
4. I hail from the same town as your friend Jeremy. Small world, huh?
5. I almost became a child actor myself—I was cast in a P.J. Sparkles commercial when I was 8, but it didn’t pan out. We could’ve had so much in common!
6. We’re big Detroit Lions fans in our household, even though we live in California. I know you’re a fan of the University of Michigan too—how strange!
7. I’m left-handed, which might not mean much, but who knows, maybe you find it intriguing.

I promise I’m way more entertaining than the cast of Jersey Shore. I mean, I was devastated when I found out Snooki got to party with you, and I didn’t! Just please never invite the Teen Mom cast; I don’t think I could handle that.

On a more serious note, I know this might come off as a bit fanatical, but there’s one more important reason why I think you should take me to the Oscars.

This is your moment. The stars have aligned, and while the losses to past nominees might have hurt, this role is the one you were destined to win an Oscar for. It’s the role you are proudest of, and it has taught you invaluable life lessons and strengths you never knew you had. This journey has changed you, and waiting for this award has been worth it.

And I want to be the one who stands beside you to tell that music producer to shut up when they start drowning out your speech.

Honestly, you don’t even have to take me to the Oscars. I’d be happy just to go grocery shopping with you. I’m a California girl, a wife, and a mom to two boys. I’ve worked hard to elevate my education and standing in society, but in the grand scheme of things, I’m just a good person.

I deeply admire how you manage to stay out of the limelight while addressing issues that matter. You recognize the challenges our world faces and are relentless in your efforts to save animals and protect the environment.

For that, all I can say is, “Wow, you make it look good!” And who knows, maybe I’ll get to join you at the Oscars after all.

Love always,
Jessica

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Summary

This playful letter expresses a tongue-in-cheek invitation to actor Max for an Oscar date, blending humor with sincerity. The writer highlights shared interests, personal quirks, and an admiration for his commitment to important causes, ultimately capturing the essence of fan appreciation.