In today’s world, it’s not uncommon for parents to be divorced. Yet, it seems that those who are still married often lack an understanding of the unspoken challenges we face as co-parents. I frequently find myself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice and comments from individuals who don’t truly grasp the complexities of my situation. While I wouldn’t wish the trials of divorce and shared custody on anyone, I do wish for a touch of empathy from those who haven’t walked this path.
When I was married, I had the luxury of a night out without a second thought. Now that my parenting time is split, I prioritize every single moment with my child. Unless it’s an event of significant importance—like a wedding or a funeral—I choose to be present with my daughter instead of leaving her with a babysitter or family. Yes, I often miss out on get-togethers with friends, but I do so willingly because I cherish my time with her. What I can’t tolerate, however, are the thoughtless comments from those who simply don’t understand.
Most of these remarks come from people without children, who may not yet realize the demands of parenting, or from women who are fortunate enough to have daily access to their kids yet yearn for a break. So, here are five essential pointers to guide you through your interactions with divorced parents like me:
- Stop Suggesting I “Just Get a Sitter”
Unless there’s a wedding or a death in the family, please don’t expect me to sacrifice precious time with my child for your girls’ night out. Not only do I have to pay for a sitter, but I also lose a night with my daughter. I understand you want to socialize, but please have some compassion. - Don’t Ask Me to Change Weekends with My Ex
Seriously?! You want me to rearrange my schedule, my ex’s, and my kid’s all for your convenience? Think it through before making a request that affects multiple lives. - Don’t Tell Me I’m Lucky for Having a “Break”
I try to maximize my “me” time, shopping without the added pressure of keeping my child entertained. But let’s be clear: it’s not a privilege. It’s a reality that I adapt to. - Don’t Get Upset If I Have to Cancel
Life is unpredictable, and while I strive for a consistent schedule, sometimes I have to prioritize my role as a mother. If I cancel, it’s not because I’m flaky; it’s because my child needs me. - Don’t Assume My Partner Can Just Handle Kid Duties
My husband is amazing and has a great relationship with my daughter, but he is her stepfather, not her biological father. It’s a complex dynamic, and it’s not your place to suggest he take on parenting responsibilities.
Navigating life as a divorced parent can be challenging. I’m fortunate to have a close group of friends who understand these nuances and never violate the guidelines I’ve laid out above. I’m not saying I’m a recluse who spends all my time at home. I do go out with my husband and friends, but I always ensure those outings occur when my child is with her other parent.
If you want me to join you for an event, I appreciate when you consider my parenting logistics. I tend to plan ahead, creating a schedule that often extends a month out. Yes, unforeseen circumstances can arise, but I can usually identify my availability in advance.
For those who overlook these nuances, try to cultivate some empathy. Instead of getting frustrated when a friend can’t attend your birthday celebration because she’s with her child, recognize that she is making a choice that prioritizes parenthood over social outings. The truth is, I would gladly swap every kid-free shopping trip for the chance to have my child with me every day.
To wrap it up, understand that the divorced mom juggling a hectic schedule would love to be part of your world. She wishes she could dress up, enjoy a night out, and indulge in some fun. However, her heart lies with her child, and that will always take precedence.
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Summary
Navigating the social landscape as a divorced parent can be challenging, especially when friends offer unsolicited advice or make requests that disrupt our carefully balanced lives. It’s essential to foster empathy and understanding, recognizing that for many of us, every moment with our children is priceless.
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