I’ve never been the kind of person to yearn for much in life. Sure, as a kid, I had fleeting desires—a shiny new toy, the chance to stay up late to watch my favorite show, or even a desire to skip school now and then. I once dreamed of becoming an astronaut or a detective, but those were just whims of youth. I never felt a strong pull towards a specific career or lifestyle; I preferred the safety of the mundane over any path that might draw attention.
For years, I would drive my parents nuts with my nonchalant attitude, often responding with “it doesn’t matter” or “whatever.” Whether it was deciding on a college, what to eat for dinner, or even the color scheme for my wedding, my carefree dismissal made me feel relaxed and easygoing. But in reality, this laid-back approach meant I let life’s choices dictate my path. I moved cities, abandoned my graduate studies, and made big purchases without much thought. While everything turned out okay, my indifference left me feeling somewhat powerless.
Then I became a mother. I’ll admit, even that decision felt rather “meh” at first, just the next step in life. But once my child was born, something shifted. Suddenly, I felt like a superhero after years of feeling invisible. I discovered I could soothe a crying baby, juggle phone calls while breastfeeding, and pull all-nighters when my little one was ill—only to face work the next day. Gradually, I realized I had acquired skills I never knew I possessed: I could explain complex ideas to my toddler, craft a dinosaur drawing, and even create an elaborate Lego pirate ship without any directions.
With this newfound confidence, I recognized my desires were surfacing. My time became precious, and I felt driven to pursue my aspirations. I want to be a fantastic mother, fully present to celebrate both the small victories and the challenges of parenting. I want to relish in every tantrum, swimming lesson, homework assignment, and bike ride. I want to immerse myself in the chaos and joy of raising a child.
But I also crave a fulfilling career. Until now, my jobs have felt like mere employment. Now, I aspire to excel at what I do, regardless of whether it involves uncovering ancient tombs or addressing modern challenges. I want to grow, learn, and make my work meaningful for both myself and my child.
I yearn for a hobby, time to pursue it, and friends to share experiences with. Since my son’s arrival, I’ve taken my writing seriously, realizing that I have a voice worth sharing. It’s crucial for me to model risk-taking and self-expression for my child. I want adventures—traveling to new places, enjoying late nights filled with laughter and good wine, and embracing both tranquility and chaos. I want to live fully, to experience everything life has to offer.
It may sound overwhelming, but on many days, all I really want is a good nap and a few moments to myself. Yet, motherhood has ignited a spark in me, instilling a sense of urgency. I am acutely aware of time slipping away. My son is growing up, and I want him to know me as more than just the one who cooks his favorite meals.
Now, things have weight. In my earlier years, I didn’t feel a strong direction, so nothing seemed particularly significant. But being a parent has shifted that perspective; everything else is measured against this one defining experience. I must truly desire something to allow it to take me away from my child.
I don’t have grand dreams of “having it all.” I know I won’t fulfill every wish. But having these desires is crucial. The tough choices I face, the weighing of options, and the occasional sacrifices remind me that I’m on the right path, paying attention to what truly matters.
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In summary, motherhood has transformed my outlook, spurring me to seek out what I truly desire in life. It’s about embracing the chaos, setting an example for my child, and realizing that while I may not achieve everything, pursuing my passions is what truly counts.
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