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In the last weeks of my first pregnancy, my partner and I endured four long, challenging evenings in birthing classes. During the final session, the focus shifted to postpartum depression (PPD), where we learned about caring for both baby and mother in those delicate weeks following delivery. I distinctly recall the instructor mentioning that PPD was more common among women with prior histories of mood disorders. That statement hit home. I nudged my partner, “That’s me,” I whispered. I had been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a few years earlier, although therapy had kept it mostly in check. My partner took diligent notes, and we both felt confident that we could prevent any PPD before it even began.
But the reality of motherhood shattered our pre-parenting assumptions as soon as our daughter arrived. The initial weeks were a whirlwind of breastfeeding complications, hormonal fluctuations, and post-surgical pain—yet I didn’t feel depressed. In fact, I often made light of my frequent crying spells, joking that it was just my pregnancy hormones finding an exit through my tears. What I experienced instead was a disturbing cocktail of emotions.
- Fear
I often found myself unable to sleep with the lights off, needing to see the baby at all times. More frequently, though, I was gripped by an overwhelming sense of dread and panic, especially at night. - Catastrophizing
I’ve always had a knack for jumping to the worst case scenario, but postpartum anxiety took this to a whole new level. Breastfeeding challenges? I was sure it meant long-term developmental issues. Feeling tired? Clearly, that indicated chronic lethargy. A few minutes of crying at bedtime? We were doomed to a lifetime of sleep disturbances. - Anger
While I’ve never considered myself an angry person, I found myself constantly on edge, snapping at my partner for trivial matters. - Regret
One day, I spotted two college students at the grocery store, arms loaded with snacks and movies. I fled the scene, sobbing. Their carefree evening represented everything I thought I had lost: friendships, freedom, and relaxation. I began to feel that I had made an irreversible mistake by becoming a mother. - Detachment
A friend once inhaled my newborn’s scent and said, “You’d step in front of a bus for her, wouldn’t you?” I smiled weakly, wondering if I’d ever feel that way. I even struggled to refer to my daughter with the correct pronouns, often mistakenly calling her “him.” She didn’t even match the image I had in my mind; I had envisioned a small, bald baby, yet she arrived with a full head of dark hair and striking features that felt unfamiliar. - Intrusive Thoughts
You know that classic fear of falling down the stairs while holding your newborn? I had that, plus a barrage of other terrifying thoughts that plagued my mind. - Sleep Disturbances
Everyone experiences sleep deprivation with a newborn, but I found it nearly impossible to sleep even when I had the chance. I struggled to fall asleep, woke frequently, and when I did sleep, nightmares haunted me. - Compulsive Behaviors
I felt a desperate need to control insignificant details around my daughter’s sleep, believing that the order of bedtime songs or the position of her crib could determine whether she would sleep soundly.
So, no, I wasn’t experiencing depression; I was overwhelmed with fear, anger, obsession, and regret. Lacking a term to describe my chaotic feelings, I labeled them as motherhood, spending countless hours questioning how I ended up in this overwhelming situation.
These feelings are, unfortunately, common among postpartum women. I often dismissed my struggles since other new mothers would share their similar experiences. However, my symptoms were severe and persistent, making it a unique challenge.
Healing began after a lactation appointment when a pediatrician followed up to check in. She suggested the possibility of postpartum anxiety, which resonated deeply and brought a sense of relief. This wasn’t just motherhood; it was anxiety.
Within a week, I had appointments lined up with a social worker and psychiatrist. Gradually, my anxiety diminished—significant changes occurred after sleep training, adjustments in my job, and weaning. Two years into motherhood, I’m grateful to say my symptoms have vanished. However, my experience with a postpartum mood disorder has made the thought of having another child both daunting and frightening.
I hope that by sharing my story, I can raise awareness and encourage anyone facing similar challenges to seek help. If you feel overwhelmed in your journey of motherhood, remember: you are not alone, and it doesn’t have to remain this way. My daughter is now my greatest joy, something postpartum anxiety prevented me from even imagining. I’m relieved to realize that the anxiety wasn’t the truth about motherhood.
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Summary:
Postpartum anxiety can manifest in various intense emotions, including fear, anger, and regret, creating a challenging experience for new mothers. Understanding these feelings is crucial for healing and finding joy in motherhood. Seeking support and resources can make a significant difference in navigating this journey.
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