The Notable Shift from 35 to 40: A Personal Journey

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Updated: September 5, 2023

Originally Published: September 5, 2015

At 35, I found myself expecting my first child. As an actress, I felt that 35 was practically synonymous with 40, and 40 seemed like an unwelcome invitation to the Last Chance Cafe. Or so I believed.

When I was 35 and halfway through my pregnancy, I sat outside an audition room, jotting down thoughts in my notebook. It was my first inkling that I was approaching a “certain age.” Here’s what I noted:

1. Motherhood is an exhilarating adventure, but it’s just one aspect of my life. I’m still an actor, albeit temporarily sidelined.
2. I want my daughter to see me as a working actress. I want her to grasp what auditions entail and the art of character development. I want her to know that studying scripts is part of my profession.
3. The prospect of motherhood has ignited a newfound motivation within me. Whether my successes post-baby are grand or modest, what matters is she witnesses my determination and hard work.

After writing this list, I dashed to the bathroom to throw up. My pregnancy journey lasted about 20 weeks, culminating in the chaos of childbirth. It was a whirlwind filled with love, joy, and, yes, sleepless nights.

Fast forward to now, and I’m 40, back on the casting couch, ready to dive back into the industry. A curious thing happened during my five-year hiatus from professional life. I honed my craft in ways I hadn’t anticipated.

Recently, I found myself in a casting office observing the younger actors. The twenty-somethings and thirty-somethings were engaged in small talk—some flaunting recent guest roles, others discussing how to find roommates in New York City, and a few checking their make-up after a hot subway ride.

I signed in for my noon slot—an iPad check-in was a new twist—as the gorgeous blondes and eclectic bohemian types busied themselves on their phones. I pulled out my trusty spiral notebook again (with my headshots and resumes stored in a Trapper Keeper, secrets be damned) and made another list:

1. I feel remarkably calm before auditions. I don’t remember ever having this sense of peace before motherhood. My other commitments have grounded me, making each audition feel less daunting.
2. I’m unconcerned about what anyone else thinks of me. While others may be sizing up the competition, I see no one as a threat. If I’m the right fit, I’ll land the role.
3. At 40, I’m more content with my appearance than I was at 35. My hair might even be shinier!
4. I’m going to walk into this audition and give it my all, and if I don’t get the role, it won’t be due to a poor performance.
5. Cheerios, sunblock, applesauce. (My lists cover all facets of life!)

Five years ago, my agents stopped representing me as I embarked on the journey of motherhood. My ambitions faded into the background amidst worries about the health of my unborn child and the challenges of new life. I was a bundle of nerves. After her birth, I was exhausted and overwhelmed, wondering if I’d ever reclaim my former self. It felt like I was watching the career I had painstakingly built crumble as I navigated the unpredictability of motherhood.

Now, looking back, I feel a twinge of sympathy for those young actors anxiously awaiting auditions. They’re preoccupied with memorizing lines and managing their anxiety—all while questioning their place in the room.

Years ago, a friend of my mother’s, an accomplished actress in her 40s, offered me some valuable advice: When you walk into an audition, own it. Communicate to the room that you are the solution to their problem. You are exactly what they need.

I called her recently to share that, after three decades, I finally embraced her wisdom. At 40, I stride into casting offices with confidence, knowing I’m what they’re searching for. Who would have thought that five years devoted to the unglamorous role of motherhood would leave me feeling rejuvenated, more self-assured, and infinitely more at ease than my younger, anxious self?

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In summary, the transition from 35 to 40 brought about a profound change, not just in my career but in my perspective on life, motherhood, and my identity as an actress.