My recent check-up at 32 weeks was just like the others: strong heartbeat? Check. On track with measurements? Check. Weight gain? Double check.
“Only eight more weeks to go!” my midwife exclaimed, her smile bright.
“Ugh. I was hoping you’d say there was a mistake and I’m actually due tomorrow. I’m so over this,” I replied, feeling the weight of my discomfort.
She chuckled. “I’m afraid not. It’s the final stretch. Hang in there. And try to enjoy this time.”
As I wiped the gel off my belly, I felt a mix of emotions—huge, uncomfortable, sad, and bitter. Enjoy this time? I had loathed every moment of my pregnancy, and it seemed to be getting worse. How would I survive another two months? The thought alone brought tears to my eyes.
Five days later, my water broke. After eight days of hospital bed rest, I welcomed my tiny premature baby into the world.
From the moment I became a mother, I was met with a whirlwind of emotions—joy, frustration, fear, compassion, anxiety, empathy, and an overwhelming love. I embraced each feeling, understanding that they were all part of the journey. However, one emotion took me by surprise: guilt.
The moment my little one arrived at 34 weeks, guilt flooded in like a tidal wave. It felt as if my body was punishing me for all my complaints during pregnancy. I convinced myself that my selfish thoughts had caused his premature arrival. Ridiculous, I know; my doctors assured me that my situation was simply beyond my control. Yet, the guilt lingered. It haunted me as much as my longing for uninterrupted sleep.
I felt guilty when they informed us our baby would be sent directly to the NICU. Each visit there was tinged with guilt, and I felt even worse when I wasn’t present, busy either pumping milk or preparing our home for his arrival (I hadn’t even had my baby shower yet). I felt guilty that he had to come home on a breathing monitor, that his lungs were underdeveloped, and that he couldn’t latch properly.
My son is now 5 months old—healthy, happy, and perfect in the eyes of both myself and the medical team. But that guilt? It’s still a daily companion. Just when I think I’ve forgiven myself for one parenting misstep, whether it’s the significant (having a preemie) or the trivial (not reading to him at bedtime), something new emerges to weigh on my conscience.
Here’s a glimpse of the guilt I’ve collected so far today, and it’s only 3 p.m.:
- I didn’t kiss my partner goodbye before he left for work this morning. In fact, I don’t think I even kissed him goodnight last night. Guilt x 2.
- I didn’t take my dog for a long enough walk at lunch.
- I dropped the baby off at his babysitter’s still in his pajamas.
- I dropped the baby off at his babysitter’s—period. I thought I had come to terms with returning to work. Apparently not.
- I’ve been working from home but have done more housework than actual work.
- I haven’t done enough housework.
- I spent money on a custom baby book from an online store and haven’t filled out a single page.
- I haven’t switched out my seasonal clothes because I’m too lazy.
- I stopped pumping.
- I can’t afford to buy my little guy the cute plaid shirts I see on Pinterest, so he wears hand-me-down sweatpants daily.
- I treated myself to a fancy coffee when we have a perfectly good coffee maker at home.
- I haven’t worn makeup in months. (Seriously.)
- I haven’t worn my hair down in weeks. (No joke.)
- I haven’t stepped foot in the gym since giving birth but refuse to cancel my membership because I swear I’ll start attending spin classes—next week.
There was a time when guilt wasn’t a part of my daily thoughts. When it was just me to look after—before another human relied on me for everything—I didn’t think twice about splurging on new boots or enjoying a second glass of wine.
Perhaps guilt is an unshakeable aspect of motherhood. If you’re interested in exploring more about the emotional journey of parenting, check out this insightful post on Cervical Insemination. And for those looking for options around home insemination, Make A Mom offers a range of at-home insemination kits. If you want to understand more about fertility and pregnancy resources, consider visiting Johns Hopkins Medicine for valuable information.
In summary, the journey of motherhood is often accompanied by an overwhelming sense of guilt. It’s a complex emotional landscape that can cloud the joys of parenting. Recognizing and addressing these feelings is essential for personal well-being and for fostering a positive environment for our children.
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