As a parent, I don’t consider myself overly protective, yet I realize I’ve granted my children less freedom than I enjoyed in my own youth. I’ve often prioritized their academic achievements over real-life experiences, hoping they’d absorb lessons about the dangers of life through my stories, news articles, and school education. Did my daughter really need to face heartbreak, drink too much, or hitchhike home from concerts before she was old enough to drive? Deep down, I understand that true learning comes from experience, but I couldn’t condone the kind of behavior I once indulged in.
I take pride in the fact that my children manage to get ready for school and return home by their curfews without my assistance. My daughter, who recently graduated high school and is heading to a prestigious college, seemed to fit this mold perfectly. By her senior year, we settled on a reasonable curfew of 11:30 PM. She excelled in her studies, worked part-time, and was incredibly helpful at home. One summer evening, she returned right on time, set the alarm, and headed straight to bed. My husband and I, feeling secure, turned off the lights. But something nagged at me, and I went upstairs to check on her, only to find her bed empty.
I smugly thought I had everything under control and texted her: “Where are you?”
“Out walking with Sarah,” she replied.
“How did you get out?”
“Basement window, but I’ve never done it before.”
“Come home now, the same way you left.”
She barely made it through the window before I launched into a lecture. “What if something happened to you? We’d think you were safe in bed. You left a window unlocked! What about your younger brothers, or us?”
She pushed back, claiming that her curfew was unreasonable compared to her friends, who often returned home at 1 or 2 AM. My sweet daughter insisted she had never snuck out before. To verify, I texted her older brother, Mark, who admitted he wanted to sneak out but was too scared of getting caught.
Days passed, and I remained uneasy about the situation. I decided to employ some light interrogation tactics to uncover the truth. Like my parents, I wasn’t prepared for the full story, but I needed to know how naive I had been. So, I did what any savvy mother would do: I poured her a couple of delightful champagne cocktails (which is legal in our state as long as it’s done at home with a parent present). After the second drink, she confessed: “I’ve been sneaking out for the last year.”
Translation: likely longer.
“What were you doing?” I asked, horrified.
“Partying. Breaking into the swim club.”
Yikes! “What time did you usually come home?”
“Usually around 4 AM.”
Impressive… and a little terrifying. Her father and I are often up by 6 AM.
“How long did it take you to sneak out each time?”
“One time I made it out in four minutes.”
I was stunned. “I can’t believe I had no clue. I feel so foolish.”
“Mom, you were a bit self-satisfied, thinking you had everything covered. Honestly, why would you suspect? I had a high GPA, stellar ACT scores, participated in activities, and never missed work. I was helpful at home.”
“You always seemed so tired; I thought it was from studying late.”
“Mom, have you heard of the three S’s?”
“No.”
“In high school, you can only do two of the three S’s: study, socialize, and sleep. I chose the first two.”
Here was my beautiful, intelligent daughter living a double life! I had worried about sending her off to college without the necessary street smarts and real-life experiences, so I even arranged for a session on safe drinking for her and her friends.
“You must have thought that was a joke.”
“We had to hold back laughter in some parts.”
While I’m still processing the fact that I didn’t know my daughter as well as I thought, I’m grateful she gained the education and experiences I had previously discouraged.
When I shared this story with my sister, who has younger children, she couldn’t believe it. “Did you let her go to that festival?”
“Yes, she’s heading to college in three weeks.”
“You need to punish her to rebuild trust.”
“Absolutely not! It’s too late for that. I trust her implicitly, and she’s just earned my admiration!”
Even though my daughter lied, which is something most teenagers do, she didn’t do anything I hadn’t done myself in high school, except she managed to achieve better grades and earned a spot at a more prestigious college. Now that she’s thriving in her new environment, I feel we both did our parts to prepare her for this exciting chapter of her life. For more insights on parenting and navigating the complexities of adolescence, check out this post.
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In summary, parenting is a journey filled with surprises, and sometimes our children lead lives we can’t fully comprehend. While I may have felt blindsided by my daughter’s secret escapades, I realize that her experiences will ultimately help her grow and succeed.
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