There’s an immense weight that every mother carries in her heart and mind, a collection of memories and responsibilities that shape our daily lives. I can still vividly recall the first movements of my babies within me—one felt like a playful fish swimming beneath my skin, while the other was a gentle flutter, like a firefly dancing in the dark. The moment I held my newborns, their soft, wailing bodies against my chest, is etched in my memory forever. I also carry the memory of the baby I lost, a brief moment that still holds a heavy space in my heart, making me wonder about what could have been.
Fear is another companion in this journey. I remember the panic when my child fainted in the bathtub, a terrifying moment that felt like an eternity. Then there was the day my toddler darted into a busy parking lot, and I sprinted after him, fueled by sheer instinct. My heart is a wellspring of love and overwhelming wonder for my children, along with an instinctual need to protect them at all costs.
When those two pink lines appeared on my pregnancy test, my heart swelled with love, but I had no idea just how much mental clutter awaited me. These little humans, while full of life and energy, seem to require a third parent to manage their busy schedules. They need homework completed, clothes that fit, and a fridge that seems to empty at an alarming rate.
Let’s be honest: my partner, bless his heart, isn’t equipped to juggle all these details. He’s a fantastic dad and a solid provider, but when it comes to keeping track of everyone’s lives, the mental load lands squarely on my shoulders. And I’ve gotten really good at it—perhaps too good, as evidenced by my ongoing struggle with “momnesia.” This phenomenon has lasted far beyond the baby years, making it tough to switch off at night and leaving me with little brainpower for intellectual pursuits. Even my third-grader’s crossword puzzles can feel like rocket science at times.
What Occupies My Brain
So, what exactly occupies my brain these days? Here’s a glimpse:
- The whereabouts of each child’s water bottle, how much water is left, and when they’ll need a refill.
- The last time my toddler had a bowel movement, its consistency, and when the next one might happen (a critical countdown before diaper shopping).
- The contents of my child’s backpack, down to the lint-covered mitten in the pocket and the ruler lurking at the bottom. He will inevitably ask for them all soon, and I’ll be ready.
- Every pair of pants my boys own, including their condition and when they’ll need to be replaced.
- The precise hour each child fell asleep and woke up, which determines when the evening chaos begins.
- A mental inventory of snacks in the pantry, including how much is left in each container.
- The location of every toy in the house, aside from those pesky little pieces that seem to vanish.
- The dates of each kid’s last doctor and dental appointments, along with the looming need for new ones.
- An endless list of items to remember: library books to reserve, toys for upcoming birthdays, vitamins to reorder, and even the peanut butter crackers that can only be found at a specialty store three towns over.
And there’s more! Every permission slip that needs signing, upcoming projects and assignments, PTA meeting dates, and all the playdates my eight-year-old believes he deserves. Sigh.
One day, I hope my brain will feel less cluttered with these details, and I’ll have the mental space to dive into a good novel again. Little by little, I trust my children will start to take ownership of some of these responsibilities (here’s hoping!). For now, though, my mind is a chaotic but beautiful blend of love and exhaustion. The little details—like the holes in their jeans and those tiny curls that need trimming—define their lives and mine as their mom.
These two precious boys have already captured my heart, so I suppose they can take a few brain cells along the way. And who knows? I might just reclaim some of that space someday.
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Summary
Motherhood comes with a mental load that is both profound and exhausting. This post explores the myriad of responsibilities that mothers keep track of, illustrating the beauty and chaos of parenting. From managing schedules to remembering every little detail about their children’s lives, the emotional and mental burdens can feel overwhelming. Nonetheless, these moments define not only the lives of our kids but also our own journeys as mothers.
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