As dawn breaks on the first day of school, I find myself jolted awake at 5 a.m., feeling as if I’m the one stepping into middle school today. It’s a whirlwind of anxiety as I prepare to send my kids off to fifth and seventh grades. Why the worry, you might ask? My children are fortunate to attend a supportive school that offers plenty of personal attention—something many parents would envy. They’ve been there for years, thriving in an environment that nurtures their happiness. The only significant change this year is my younger daughter’s transition to middle school, a milestone her sister has already navigated.
Yet, I can’t shake this knot of worry in my stomach. Despite being a well-prepared parent—having purchased school supplies, new backpacks, sneakers, and all the necessities—I can’t help but feel I’ve overlooked something crucial. I’ve helped select outfits for picture day and ensured their favorite breakfast options are ready to go. We’ve even reviewed the bus schedule together. By all accounts, I should feel confident about their readiness.
But then it hits me: I haven’t reached out to the seventh-grade learning specialist about my older daughter’s dyslexia, a step we usually take. Who is that person this year? Will they understand the unique challenges she faces? At yesterday’s orientation, I attended the fifth-grade meeting while my daughter was at the seventh-grade session for students and “new parents.” Now I’m left in the dark about her seventh-grade teachers. And what about the smartphone debate? We opted not to get them one—will it make them social pariahs? My mind spirals through every potential disaster, so I reach for a book on my bedside table in search of distraction.
Today’s choice is perfect: How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims. This insightful read offers a fresh perspective on parenting in a high-pressure environment, emphasizing how parental over-involvement can hinder a child’s development. Lythcott-Haims, a former Stanford dean, explains the transition from “helicopter” parenting—hovering over every decision—to “lawnmower” parenting—clearing obstacles from their path. While such intentions stem from love, they can inadvertently stifle children’s independence and self-confidence.
In my dark bedroom, I start to feel my anxiety ease. I remind myself that my parents didn’t consult teachers before the school year began. They didn’t know every name or face of my teachers. While they cared deeply about my education, they allowed me the space to navigate my challenges. I remember the freedom I felt during my own adolescence—a cherished time that many in my generation look back on fondly. So, what makes it so difficult for us to step back and let our children grow?
Lythcott-Haims highlights a crucial point: many poor parenting choices stem from fear. We worry our children will struggle, fail, or become overwhelmed without our constant support. Yet, parenting from a place of fear can cultivate the very issues we seek to avoid. By smoothing every roadblock in their lives, especially through the challenges of middle school, we might inadvertently prevent them from developing essential coping skills. It’s important to let them experience failure or disappointment in a manageable way, as these experiences ultimately prepare them for adulthood.
In my daughters’ middle school, they will encounter letter grades for the first time. I recall a moment when my older daughter faced her first graded Mandarin quiz. I was anxious for her and urged her to study harder, but she assured me she was fine. Her response, “Mom, I’ll live,” was a wake-up call. It made me realize that while I want my children to take their education seriously, I also want them to find their own motivations.
It’s a delicate balance between letting go and staying engaged, and that’s perhaps the biggest lesson in parenting tweens and teens. As my alarm goes off at 6:30, I set the book aside and head to wake my daughters. After they catch the bus, I share my morning revelations on social media, only to discover that several friends have also been up since dawn, worried about the new school year. Next September, we agree to meet for coffee at 5 a.m. on the first day of school—maybe it’s time the kids start making their own breakfasts.
In summary, the beginning of a new school year can be a source of anxiety for parents, but it’s essential to remember that our children need space to grow. By letting them navigate their challenges, we empower them to develop independence and resilience.
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