Shared custody can be one of life’s most complex experiences, filled with both joy and heartache. It’s a journey that many parents, like myself, find themselves on, learning to balance the challenges with the little victories that come along the way. While it’s tough to accept that my children spend part of their childhood away from me, there are definitely silver linings that help soften the blow.
I still recall the intense discussions my partner and I had with my ex-husband and his new partner about the custody schedule when our daughters started school. We settled on a plan where they would spend weekdays with us and weekends with their dad and step-mom. Initially, I was defensive, grappling with the thought of missing out on those cherished weekend moments like jumping on the bed on a Saturday morning. I longed for those family routines, but I quickly learned that this wasn’t how shared custody worked.
Fast forward a few years, and I’ve adapted more than I thought possible. My relationship with shared custody can best be described as love-hate. Here’s why:
The Frustrations of the Unknown
One of the hardest parts of shared custody is not knowing what my daughters do on weekends. When I ask about their time away, I often get vague responses like, “I dunno. Stuff. I ate corn.” It leaves me feeling disconnected from their lives. There have been moments of heartbreak, like when we bought a movie that they had already seen at their dad’s house. It stings to realize that they had their first Disneyland trip without me. There are countless memories that I’m missing out on, and that’s tough to swallow.
The Blessings of Time Off
On the flip side, weekends free from the chaos of parenting are a blessing. Each Friday morning, I prepare coffee, tune into the radio, and help my daughters get ready for school. I make sure to tell them I love them multiple times before they head to their dad’s house for the weekend. Those moments of quiet when we transition from a family of five to just one child can be refreshing. Our outings become simpler, whether it’s grabbing brunch or heading to the mountains. The weekends allow me to recharge, gearing up for the busy week ahead.
As we drive back to their dad’s on Sunday, I know chaos is just around the corner, but I also take comfort in the joy that fills our home when they return. The girls may not need to know about our quiet couple-plus-one adventures, but their presence instantly brings life back into our space.
Sharing the Mom Title
One of the most challenging aspects of shared custody is sharing the title of “mom.” I vividly remember the first time I met my daughters’ step-mom while shopping. My heart sank knowing she would play a significant role in their lives. My anger flared when my daughter referred to her as “Mama.” I felt possessive over my title, especially when Mother’s Day crafts were sent home to their other house. I lashed out, thinking, “How could she take my macaroni necklaces?”
But, I’ve grown to appreciate that my daughters have a wonderful step-mom who excels in areas where I may not. She has a talent for doing hair, comforting them when they’re scared, and being there when I can’t. I’ve come to terms with sharing the “mom” role, recognizing that we’re both contributing to their upbringing in different ways.
Balancing Different Values
Navigating the differences between our families can be tricky, especially when it comes to morals and beliefs. After our separation, my ex-husband embraced Christianity, which contrasted sharply with my agnostic beliefs. My older daughter’s innocent comment about “going to hell” hit hard. While I respect their beliefs, it can be overwhelming when those ideas start to permeate my home.
On the flip side, I love that my daughters are learning to appreciate diversity. Each home has its own unique set of rules and values, allowing the girls to grow up with an understanding of different perspectives. They are learning that faith and beliefs can vary widely, which will serve them well as they grow into accepting, well-rounded individuals.
Our family dynamic is unique and, surprisingly, the girls seem to embrace it. They often ask why we can’t all live next door, but they’ve never expressed a desire to revert to being a family of four. Instead, they take pride in having two dads, two moms, and two siblings. Their family drawings reflect this love, showcasing a vibrant tapestry of relationships.
Adjusting to the fact that I’m not the sole “Queen Mom” has been challenging. I still find myself tearing up when they leave, packing in as many “I love yous” as I can on Fridays. Yet, despite the struggles, I’ve decided to focus on the positives that shared custody brings. While I will always miss out on some moments, I am committed to making the best of this situation and embracing the perks along the way. Shared custody may be tough, but it also has its rewarding aspects.
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Summary
Shared custody is a complex journey filled with both challenges and joys. As parents navigate their new family dynamics, they may grapple with feelings of loss and frustration, especially when it comes to missing out on special moments. However, there are also significant perks, such as the freedom that weekends bring and the joy of seeing their children grow in diverse environments. Ultimately, learning to share the role of ‘mom’ and embracing the uniqueness of the family dynamic can lead to a more enriching experience for everyone involved.
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