Long ago, we called a quaint family farm home, where three of us created a life together. Jake was the sixth generation of his family to call that century-old farmhouse his own. We spent our days tearing down old ceilings, constructing larger closets, and painting every surface that could be transformed. Our soundtrack? A lot of James Taylor, as we sang and danced with that cerulean-eyed, 10-pound bundle of joy cradled in my arms or snug against my chest. We didn’t bother to get the pronouns right; it was the essence of the lyrics that mattered most.
When Jake entered our lives 18 years ago, everything changed. My youthful aspirations had never included motherhood; I envisioned a life of high-powered business suits and sharp heels. Babysitting as a teenager was never my passion, and the notion of changing diapers or pushing strollers was far from appealing. Yet, as they say, life has a way of flipping the script.
Four children in five years.
And if I’m feeling low or caught up in some trivial worry, the joy he brings always shifts my perspective.
I dove headfirst into this new chapter, embracing the chaos that came with it. I traded my polished look for short hair, a wider waist, and the inevitable stains of a busy life with babies. Late-night feedings became my new normal, and I soon found myself immersed in the world of baby powder and diaper cream.
In those early years, my partner and I often chuckled, “It’s all about survival.” And it was—especially when our little ones were just 6, 4, 3, and 1. Days flew by, filled with meal prep, nap schedules, and the nightly bath rituals. I would fall asleep before finishing even a paragraph of my favorite book and forgot how to wear lipstick.
Fast forward 12 years, and the pace of life has quickened dramatically.
Now, as we pack Jake for college, my younger son, Leo, is busy boxing up his stuffed animals and electronic sets. The exodus of our four children has begun, and I know in five short years, they will all be off living their own lives. Even our cherished family dogs are feeling the weight of time, their once-energetic bodies now showing signs of age. They nuzzle at my feet as I write, and I murmur soothing words, “I know, sweet ones. Go rest.” They’ve earned their peace after years of protecting us from UPS deliveries and playful chaos.
Thinking about Jake leaving stirs a lump in my throat, but it’s not sadness—it’s something deeper.
It’s not just about what he’s learned but how he thinks and the experiences he’s had. It’s a beautiful mashup of hazy memories and those chubby baby legs that have grown into strong, capable man legs. It’s a playlist of childhood songs—from “The Rainbow Connection” to tunes from They Might Be Giants—that occasionally play in my mind, often sung in a fearless little voice. Our musical tastes have merged into a driving mix of Florence and the Machine, as we find common ground.
This is a moment of transition, marking the end of a comfortable life and the beginning of new adventures. Who will Jake become once he spreads his wings? What will Leo carve out for himself away from his older brother’s shadow? And who will I be now that my role as a mother of four under five is evolving?
The opportunities ahead are endless.
Yet, I feel the urge to remind him of the essentials—brush his teeth, maintain those toenails, change his sheets regularly. I want to have those heart-to-heart talks about responsible drinking, being there for friends, and taking care of himself. But honestly, that would be redundant. We’ve instilled those lessons for 18 years; he’s ready to take on the world.
We are guiding each other into new chapters, Jake and I. He’s teaching me that as I let him go, I am also embracing countless possibilities.
And I feel at peace whenever he’s close, almost as if he’s always by my side. I can still recall the intoxicating scent of his baby head, lingering in my memory, even if it fades the moment I wake.
Those memories will always remain.
This firstborn has been my greatest instructor, shaping me into who I am today.
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Summary:
This reflective piece captures the bittersweet journey of motherhood, highlighting the transformations that come with raising children. It addresses the emotional complexities of watching your children grow and prepare for independence while celebrating the memories and lessons learned along the way.
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