How do you react when you stumble or make an error? In my earlier years, I found myself spiraling into shame without uttering a word to myself.
When we err, a reflexive reaction often kicks in—a voice that echoes in our minds, likely rooted in our formative years. What does yours say? Mine traces back to a moment in my childhood. I was around 10 when I spoke out in my seventh-grade math class, leading to a call from my teacher to my parents. My father, in a quiet yet firm voice, ushered me to our living room—a place off-limits to children—and told me I had “shamed the family name.”
It felt as if the walls were closing in, and I was suddenly the embodiment of disgrace. That was the extent of my punishment; no further discussion or guidance on how to reflect on my actions followed. I was a generally respectful child, yet this moment taught me to retreat into my own shame whenever I faltered, striving for perfection and hiding whenever I stumbled.
I often pondered why some individuals brush off their mistakes with ease, convinced they possessed greater strength or bravery than I did. However, it became clear to me that how we are taught to handle mistakes in childhood significantly shapes our capacity to rebound from setbacks in adulthood, whether they are large or small.
So, what are the four empowering words? “Do better next time.” As Maya Angelou wisely stated, “When you know better, you do better.” She never suggested that we should berate ourselves or dwell in feelings of shame after a misstep; that approach is unproductive.
Some people may turn to their vices when shame arises. Perhaps the core of addiction lies in the struggle to accept one’s imperfections. After all, how does a child learn to walk or an Olympian master diving? Through falls, belly flops, and the encouragement to try again.
Being present in life is impossible if you’re caught up in past mistakes. Only by acknowledging that it’s okay to recognize your actions and choosing to “do better next time” can you truly move forward.
What do you say to a child who errs? As Dr. Emma Lawson articulates in her book, The Mindful Parent, it’s crucial to first practice self-forgiveness and compassion. Mistakes should be viewed not as failures to punish but as gateways to learning. If we want our kids to learn from their blunders, we must eliminate any sense of wrongdoing, allowing them to understand that they are still worthy, regardless of their errors. Freeing them from fear enables them to grasp the lessons they need.
Our children observe how we cope with our stress and mistakes, mirroring those emotions. When they see us navigating mistakes, they become less fearful of failure and more comfortable with their own missteps.
Reflecting on how I reacted to my teacher, I realize that an understanding parent might have helped me explore the reasons behind my actions. Understanding the ‘why’ of my behavior could have facilitated the necessary changes.
What inner voice do you hear when you err? Try embracing those four empowering words: “Do better next time.” Mistakes are a natural part of life, so acknowledge them and let them go. Let those words resonate in your mind instead.
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In summary, recognizing and addressing our mistakes is vital for personal growth. By adopting a mindset of self-compassion and learning, we empower ourselves and those around us, especially our children.
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