Dear Stranger in the Toy Store,
You may not recall our brief encounter, but it left a significant impression on me. We met a few weeks ago while on vacation, in a toy store where my family was searching for a gift for my son. As he dashed through the aisles, you engaged him in conversation, asking about his favorite toys. Then, without hesitation, you reached out and touched his hair.
Honestly, if it hadn’t been for that moment, I might have forgotten our interaction entirely. But your prolonged touch, which felt like an eternity, caught me off guard. I observed as your fingers glided through his curls, and I felt a surge of protectiveness, wanting to voice my discomfort but finding myself paralyzed by the need to avoid confrontation.
As a white mother with a Black child, this isn’t the first time I’ve encountered such moments. People often express curiosity through physical contact, and I can’t help but feel that it crosses a line. The instinct to shield my child from being an object of curiosity wells up in me. I want to ensure he doesn’t feel “othered” in predominantly white spaces, nor do I want him to internalize the message that his personal boundaries can be disregarded.
These encounters, often framed as innocent curiosity, can sometimes manifest as microaggressions. They can inadvertently perpetuate stereotypes and make my child feel marginalized. After reflecting on our encounter, I discussed it with my husband, friends in mixed-race families, and reached out to my Black and brown friends to hear their experiences. I even asked a friend with a white daughter who has beautiful curly hair if she experiences similar situations.
I wanted to understand if my feelings were valid. A close friend explained that it’s rare for Black individuals to touch someone else’s hair. There’s a cultural respect and an awareness of the care that goes into maintaining Black hair, something many white individuals may not fully grasp. Perhaps that’s why it’s often white people who feel the need to touch my child’s head.
While I appreciate your curiosity, I must emphasize that it’s not acceptable to invade my son’s personal space to satisfy your own inquisitiveness. Sometimes, our curiosity doesn’t need to be fulfilled, especially at the expense of someone else’s comfort and rights.
For now, I’m teaching my son that his body is his own and that it’s perfectly okay to express discomfort when someone crosses a boundary. Although he’s still too young to frame this as a racial issue, I’m laying the groundwork for him to understand the importance of personal space.
I can’t help but wonder if you would have touched his hair if he were with his Black father instead of me. My whiteness does not provide an “in” to my child’s personal space.
I don’t want to be the mother who reacts defensively to every question or curiosity, assuming the worst. We’re all navigating this race-conscious world together, and I want my boys to feel empowered and confident yet compassionate and understanding.
If your curiosity is genuine and you wish to learn more about our experiences or the care of Black hair, I would gladly discuss it. However, please respect my son’s awareness of being a Black child in predominantly white spaces, like that toy store. Open dialogue is essential for growth, and I want to foster understanding for my children’s sake.
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In summary, let’s work towards understanding and respecting personal boundaries, particularly when it comes to our children. It’s crucial to be mindful of how our actions can impact others, and fostering a respectful dialogue is a step in the right direction.
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