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I find it difficult to spend more than an hour with my mother. Our relationship has been strained, especially since my teenage years. I was subjected to sexual abuse by a relative on her side of the family, and rather than standing by me, she insisted that I remain silent to maintain harmony.
Though she claims to regret her past actions and has expressed remorse multiple times, her change of heart only came after that family member passed away, removing the need to confront the truth. For over twenty years, she spoke of this person as though they had never harmed me, completely disregarding my feelings and the trauma I experienced.
I lost trust in her. There were times I questioned whether I wanted her in my life at all. As a parent now, I struggle to comprehend how someone could ignore such serious harm to their own child. During my first pregnancy, when a child accidentally hit my belly with a ball, I reacted strongly. If anyone were to hurt my child, I would fiercely protect them. I can’t imagine being passive in such a situation.
Because of this history, I have to limit my time with my mother. She doesn’t have unrestricted access to my life. I decide when to see her and for how long. She understands that she can’t just drop by whenever she pleases. The prospect of seeing her requires mental preparation on my part.
Some may interpret this as holding a grudge, but I see it differently. This is about setting a boundary. Everyone has the right to establish their own limits. It could mean severing ties completely, seeing someone just once a year, or simply saying no while still keeping them in your life.
As they say, we teach people how to treat us. My mother taught me that I cannot trust her with my safety. I’m not aiming to punish her; I’m focused on protecting myself. Ultimately, no one else can safeguard our mental health. Rarely does someone who consistently causes you distress magically change. We must advocate for ourselves and take control of our own lives, regardless of others’ opinions.
From the outside, it may seem simple to suggest that someone should just forgive or lighten up, but holding a grudge and prioritizing your well-being are fundamentally different. Many people don’t change, and it’s perfectly acceptable to recognize when someone is causing you harm—whether physical or emotional—and to choose to distance yourself.
I teach my children to take responsibility for their own happiness. I want them to understand that if they don’t advocate for themselves, no one else will. I maintain a firm boundary with my mother, but that doesn’t mean others must do the same, nor do I seek validation from anyone else.
After a decade of internal struggle, I’ve realized that just because time has passed and she has apologized, it doesn’t obligate me to welcome her back into my life fully. My mental well-being is paramount, and if others perceive my actions as holding a grudge, that’s their viewpoint. They aren’t experiencing the anxiety and discomfort that comes with being around her; I am.
We need to normalize the practice of setting boundaries without shaming those who do so. Ultimately, we must live by our own rules and prioritize what’s best for us in our relationships. If others think I’m holding a grudge, that’s fine—it’s a form of self-care, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my choices.
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Summary:
Setting boundaries is crucial for mental well-being, especially when past trauma affects relationships. Establishing limits with family members can be misinterpreted as holding a grudge, but it’s essential for self-protection. Everyone has the right to define their interactions and prioritize their happiness without needing approval from others.