The day before school kicked off, I stumbled upon a nightmare: my daughters had lice. Not just a few annoying nits, but actual brown bugs scurrying through their long, golden locks. Panic set in. I mean, pure, unadulterated panic.
“OH MY GOD, LICE! GET IN THE CAR! WE’RE GOING TO THE PHARMACY! WAIT! DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!”
After purchasing four boxes of lice treatment, I returned home. Suddenly, home didn’t feel like a safe haven anymore—it felt like a hotbed of LICE! LICE, lurking and plotting to invade our heads. LICE, ready to reproduce. Lice that had infiltrated our space from the local elementary school… Curse them!
To illustrate the sheer terror that gripped my clean-freak, type-A self, let me share this: As I was slathering my girls’ hair with treatment and shouting, “STAY OFF EVERYTHING!!,” I frantically dictated a message to my friend Lily about our lice “crisis.” My thoughtful friend, grateful she was lice-free, replied with comforting words:
“You’ve got this, Sarah!”
“It’s not like the girls are sick!”
“Just breathe!”
But when her supportive texts didn’t ease my near-hyperventilation, Lily sprang into action. With a stealthy, top-secret plan, she zoomed to my neighborhood, left her car running in my driveway, rang the bell, and sped off. I opened the door, bleary-eyed and skeptical, to find a note, a large bottle of wine, and a bag of chocolates. She knew I was on the edge of despair. Bless her heart.
The thing about lice is that when you think you can handle it yourself, they seem to laugh at you. I swear I heard them. They seem to say, “You may have found some nits, but I have hidden others among the billions of hair strands over there. BWAHHAHAHA!” Then, the crafty lice change the colors of their nits! One moment they’re white, then next they’re brown! THIS IS SO UNFAIR!
And the adult lice? They’re massive. It’s disgusting and makes you feel like your kids’ heads are filthy, which they are—let’s be real. You start to loathe their heads and resent the lovely hair you once admired. In a moment of frustration, you might even fantasize about shaving their precious locks, but then the guilt sets in. You picture them hating you, spiraling into rebellion, and you know you’ll be on a daytime talk show lamenting your choices. So, you keep picking out nits and using your boxes of treatment.
Three days in, when you realize the four boxes of treatment haven’t worked? That’s when the real panic kicks in. I resorted to olive oil. While washing every piece of clothing in the house multiple times per day and vacuuming every inch, I began dousing my girls’ hair in the sticky substance. They had just spent two weeks at the pool, and I doubted drowning these pests would work. But I tried it anyway. Since I wouldn’t let them sit on the couch for fear of lice jumping onto the cushions, I made them sit on towels on the hardwood floor to watch TV. Hours and hours of TV while I cried and cleaned.
The girls missed four days of school, and I was on the brink of considering divorce from my husband, who seemed too relieved to leave for work each morning. My daily routine turned into a chaotic cycle:
- Wake up. Realize there’s lice in the house.
- Want to shave heads.
- Want to divorce my husband.
- Want wine.
- Want coffee.
- Get out of bed.
- Have coffee.
- Begin nit-picking on daughter one.
- Daughter one cries.
- Curse the school for the lice.
- Find nits but no live lice.
- Feel hope. Feel despair.
- Douse head in olive oil.
- Repeat with daughter two.
- Wash everything again.
This repetitive cycle continued for two more days until, finally, a miracle occurred! A friend of a friend informed me about a secret lice removal place nearby that guarantees results for about $200 a head. WHY HAD NO ONE TOLD ME THIS DAYS AGO?
I called this mysterious establishment, and a friendly woman answered. I explained our “situation” and instantly felt like a dirty, lice-infested mess. She instructed me to come in right away because we sounded like an emergency.
The office was located behind some storage units, with the distant barking of a guard dog. I noticed some questionable characters nearby. I hurried my girls to a place aptly named “The Lice Conquerors.”
Two hours later, I learned that I was, in fact, the ultimate Lice Conqueror! The technician praised my exceptional nit-picking skills and informed me that I had successfully eradicated the entire lice population from my girls. She handed me a metaphorical medal of honor and charged me only a $20 head check fee. I left feeling as though I had won a battle.
Lice are no laughing matter. They are gross, creepy, and can wreak havoc on your mental state. So, if a friend’s family is dealing with lice, be a good friend: bring them wine and chocolate. Actually, just bring the wine.
For more on parenting challenges, check out this informative piece on Lice Treatment Strategies. If you’re exploring options for home insemination, Make A Mom is a trusted source for at-home insemination kits, and for comprehensive support, visit UCSF’s Center for Home Insemination.
In summary, lice can induce panic, chaos, and even marital strife. But with a little help and a lot of wine, you can conquer this nightmare.
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