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In eighth grade, my social circle changed dramatically. The girls who once enjoyed spending time with me in junior high suddenly seemed uninterested. I frequently noticed them making plans without me over the weekends. Despite my attempts to join in, I was often brushed off, with the excuse that their shared interest in sports made it easier for them to bond.
One evening, while my mom was doing the dishes, I finally mustered the courage to voice my feelings. Sitting at the kitchen table, I expressed my sadness about feeling friendless. Her back was turned, and without looking at me, she responded, “Oh, girls can be silly. You’ll find other friends.” While her words might have held some truth, to me, it felt like my world was unraveling. I had invested so much in those friendships, and now it felt like I was losing them.
I began to question if my lack of athletic ability or my weight gain was the reason behind the shift. Perhaps it was because I had befriended someone from art class who didn’t fit the mold of my previous friends.
After that conversation, I hesitated to approach my mother with my problems again. It wasn’t just this instance; there had been several similar moments prior. Her overall attitude suggested that my struggles were minor, and she never provided the comfort I sought, leading me to confide in others instead.
During my junior year, I turned to my English teacher while grappling with anorexia, and I leaned on my boyfriend during my high school days when I battled depression and couldn’t get out of bed.
When I endured a painful breakup after college and yearned to return home, I felt like an inconvenience to her. My sadness seemed to be an afterthought for her, as it didn’t disrupt her routine or daily life. She lacked the time or energy to check in on me or offer a listening ear.
This experience taught me to manage my emotions independently, which had its pros and cons.
When I became a parent, I promised myself that I would always take my children’s feelings seriously. While pregnant with my first child, a friend shared her own experience of feeling dismissed by her mom after a high school breakup. Her mother had simply advised her to “let him go and move forward,” implying that needing time to grieve was a sign of weakness.
Now, as the mother of three teenagers, I’m acutely aware of the rising anxiety and depression rates among adolescents. It’s easy to think that our kids, who don’t have to worry about bills or meals, don’t face real problems. But I refuse to ever voice that sentiment to them, no matter how trivial their issues might seem — and here’s why:
If teens feel dismissed, they will stop sharing with you altogether. They’ll cease to open up about not just their struggles, but also their triumphs. If you downplay the significance of their conflicts with friends, they’ll come to believe that their academic successes don’t matter either.
Sometimes, feelings of sadness arise without a clear reason. Imagine having a rough day, only for your partner to dismiss your emotions as unwarranted. That’s an example of toxic positivity, and it’s detrimental.
I have my off days when I feel unmotivated or anxious without a clear explanation. It’s vital to normalize this with our children. It’s okay to not feel okay, even if the cause isn’t apparent. Hormones, weather changes, sleep disturbances, and diet can all influence our emotions. There doesn’t always need to be a specific trigger for feelings of sadness or anxiety, and invalidating those feelings only exacerbates the situation.
This type of dismissal can lead to feelings of shame. It’s much simpler to listen to our teens about their struggles than it is to make them feel bad for experiencing anxiety over schoolwork, trying new things, or feeling low for no discernible reason.
Most people mask their sadness rather than their happiness. Consider that for a moment. It requires significant effort for your child to feign anxiety or sadness if they aren’t truly feeling it. They don’t need us to teach them how to put on a happy face while ignoring their genuine emotions.
If you’ve been a child whose feelings were downplayed, you understand the impact it can have. You certainly don’t want to replicate that experience for your own child. Ignoring their feelings of sadness or anxiety won’t make them vanish; it will likely intensify them.
We must acknowledge the immense pressures today’s teens face. We need to create an environment where they feel safe expressing all their emotions, no matter what they may be.
For further insights on the challenges and emotions surrounding parenting, check out this related blog post. For those interested in home insemination and related resources, Make a Mom provides authoritative information. Additionally, the NHS’s IVF resource is an excellent source for pregnancy and home insemination guidance.
Summary:
The article discusses the importance of validating teenagers’ emotions and experiences, contrasting it with the author’s own childhood experiences of feeling dismissed by her mother. It emphasizes that ignoring teens’ feelings can lead to a lack of communication and emotional distress. The author advocates for creating an environment where all feelings are acknowledged and normalized, recognizing the pressures teens face today.
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Parenting, Teen Emotions, Mental Health, Emotional Validation, Adolescent Anxiety, Parenting Tips