Throughout four years of exploring the intricacies of relationships, I’ve delved deep into the latest research on what makes love last and what can mend it when it falters. I’ve consumed countless books, attended enlightening lectures, and watched a multitude of videos, absorbing more knowledge than I sometimes know how to apply in my own life. I can observe a family for just a few moments and discern the backgrounds of each parent and the parenting styles that their children have adopted. I’m well-versed in the dynamics of relationships, families, and marriages. Yet, I often find it perplexingly challenging to implement this wisdom in my own home.
Recently, I reflected on a delightful child-free getaway my partner, Jake, and I enjoyed in January to celebrate our graduation and anniversary—a fun combo we affectionately dubbed our “graduaversary.” It was a trip filled with thrilling adventures like climbing volcanoes and zip-lining through the lush rainforest. However, my mind kept drifting back to a solitary walk I took on the beach, during which I contemplated abandoning my family to start anew in Costa Rica.
This internal struggle didn’t arise out of nowhere. It began hours earlier with a chilly “good morning” and a hushed breakfast. Though Jake isn’t typically a morning person, he seemed unusually tense that day, snapping at me a few times. Instead of addressing his mood, I chose to ignore it and went about my morning routine. Here are the three blunders I made that day that ultimately hurt both of us:
Mistake No. 1: Turning Away Instead of Toward
I had a perfect opportunity to foster open communication that could have drawn us closer, but instead, I opted to retreat. As we settled into our favorite cabana by the pool, I got lost in my book and basked in the sun, temporarily forgetting Jake’s demeanor. I was playing the role of the emotionally aloof wife, convincing myself that I wouldn’t let his mood affect me. That illusion shattered quickly when my attempt at small talk fell flat, and I was met with silence.
Eventually, I found myself feeling sorry for myself, thinking, “How dare he ruin my day?” The situation escalated when I asked him to fetch me a drink, which felt like a reasonable request given that I was lounging in my swimsuit while he was fully dressed. Instead, I was met with a verbal onslaught that left me feeling devalued. When I feel belittled, my first instinct is to get angry.
Mistake No. 2: Resentment Over Compassion
I recognized that Jake was experiencing some emotional turmoil, but instead of approaching him to offer support, I let my awareness morph into resentment. I began recalling past instances where he had made me feel unworthy. My feelings took precedence over his needs, making me feel justified in my anger. I spent over an hour stewing in my hurt before finally heading back to the room, convinced he would realize his mistake and apologize first.
Mistake No. 3: Expecting to Receive, Not to Give
When I returned to our room, I found Jake lying in bed, engrossed in a golf game. I lingered, hoping for an apology that never came. Refusing to back down, I instead confronted him with, “Are you really going to sulk all day? What a waste of this expensive vacation!” I then got dressed and left, expecting him to join me. My invitation must not have seemed enticing, as he chose to stay behind.
As I walked along the beach, I dreamt of how much simpler life would be if I were single—free from responsibilities and emotional entanglements. However, a realization struck me: Jake was hurting. He had unfulfilled needs, and he needed my understanding and compassion. I fought against it, longing for the vision of my carefree self, but all I could focus on was my husband’s isolation, and the fact that I had walked away when he needed me.
I wish I could say that since that day, we’ve never had conflicts again; that I’ve been the perfect partner, always striving to understand and support him. But that isn’t the reality we live. After eight years, our arguments are less frequent, and we’ve learned to communicate better. However, we still grapple with selfishness and resentment. We sometimes raise our voices and even have days of silence between us. Yet, we keep showing up for each other, practicing grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
In the end, regardless of how much I know about relationships, I learn something new every day through my marriage. I strive to turn toward Jake instead of away, to be mindful of his needs, and to give, rather than expect to receive. Most importantly, I continue to fight for our relationship because we are worth it.
If you’re interested in similar topics, check out this insightful post on our blog about relationship dynamics. And for those considering at-home insemination, this resource offers quality kits. Also, this blog provides valuable insights into pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
In this article, I shared three common mistakes I made in my relationship, illustrating the importance of communication, compassion, and active support in nurturing a partnership. Despite my extensive knowledge about relationships, applying that wisdom in my own life proves to be a continual learning experience. I emphasize the need to confront issues rather than retreating, the importance of prioritizing my partner’s needs, and the value of giving rather than expecting. Relationships require ongoing effort, but the rewards of love and understanding make the journey worthwhile.
Leave a Reply