How I Will Approach My Next Relationship Differently

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When a marriage dissolves, it’s easy to feel like a failure. I certainly felt that way when I first separated from my husband. After navigating the emotional turbulence of those initial six months, I’ve come to understand that my marriage wasn’t a complete failure. I made mistakes and overlooked certain behaviors, but I now have the chance to learn and avoid repeating those patterns in my next relationship. While it’s challenging to envision ever loving again at this point, I believe that love will find me someday. And even if I remain single, I’ve gained valuable insights into the dynamics I brought into my past relationship that contributed to dysfunction. I want to move forward positively, setting an example of healthy dynamics for my children, even as a single mother.

The way we attract partners and choose mates is a topic steeped in various theories. One popular notion is that opposites attract, which does hold some truth. However, it’s not merely about personality differences. Some suggest that introverts gravitate toward extroverts, or that tall individuals are drawn to shorter partners. It runs deeper than surface traits. Many relationship experts assert that we attract mates who fulfill certain voids in us—often stemming from childhood experiences, behavioral patterns, and expectations.

Harville Hendrix, a notable expert in this field, discusses the concept of Imago, which refers to the idealized image of love that forms in childhood and carries into adulthood. This idea suggests that we unconsciously gravitate toward partners who awaken both our best and worst selves. The goal of therapy, according to Hendrix, is to delve into childhood experiences to identify old wounds, allowing our partners to help heal those inner scars. This insight illuminates why individuals with a history of abuse often find themselves in similar relationships or why the children of alcoholics might choose partners who replicate that instability. Sometimes, the patterns aren’t overtly traumatic; they can be subtle. For instance, a child may have experienced a loving but imperfect home, leading them to unconsciously seek out partners who exhibit similar dynamics.

In my previous relationship, I brought my emotional wounds with me, hoping my partner would help me heal them. Despite my belief that I had moved past these issues, three decades of familiar patterns shadowed my marriage, leading to a cycle of dysfunction that ultimately made both me and my children unhappy. This time around, I’m committed to breaking those patterns.

Here are three essential changes I’m determined to make in my next relationship:

1. Avoid Expecting My Partner to Satisfy All Emotional Needs
   I realized that I fell into an unhealthy pattern of expecting my husband to fulfill all my emotional needs. This expectation was rooted in my childhood experience with an emotionally unavailable father, leading me to seek validation in unhealthy ways. As an adult, I recognize that I have choices. I want to cultivate a sense of emotional independence and not rely solely on a partner for support.
2. Strive for Balance in My Life
   Throughout the years, I lost sight of my individuality. The intertwining of motherhood, marriage, and work led me to neglect my own needs. I observed my mother struggle with feelings of inadequacy, and I found myself in a similar position. My only escape was the gym, but even that wasn’t enough to replenish my spirit. I’ve slowly rebuilt my confidence through work and rekindling my love for writing. Now, I have a supportive community and a chance to pursue my passions while still being an involved mother.
3. Refuse to Settle into Complacency
   It’s all too easy to fall into a rut in relationships. I once vowed that it wouldn’t happen to me, yet it did. My husband and I allowed inertia to take over, leading to discontent and stagnation. Instead of addressing the issues, we let them fester until we were both unhappy. I refuse to allow complacency to drain my happiness again.

Reflecting on my journey, I can’t help but feel regret over the years lost in dysfunction. Why did it take so long for me to recognize the need for change? Life unfolds at its own pace, and sometimes, it takes time to reach a turning point. I’ve poured energy into trying to control circumstances, but I’ve learned that life cannot be forced. I’m ready for the next chapter, filled with growth, opportunity, and a healthier perspective on relationships.

If you’re seeking more insights on relationships and emotional well-being, check out other articles like this one on our blog. For those interested in home insemination, Make A Mom offers a reputable selection of at-home insemination kits. Additionally, Cleveland Clinic’s podcast is an excellent resource for pregnancy and fertility topics.

In summary, my next relationship will be a chance for growth, balance, and emotional independence. I am ready to embrace a future that prioritizes healthy dynamics and sets a positive example for my children.