We all know that mom. The one whose home was always spotless for playdates while our place looked like a tornado hit it. She was the one who organized a picture-perfect birthday bash with themed cakes, decorations, and food. She always appeared to have it all figured out. No leggings for drop-off, and her messy buns looked effortlessly chic.
Well, I was that mom—and I was incredibly unhappy.
Understanding High-Functioning Anxiety
Being high-functioning means that you can cope at a level higher than others with the same condition. For me, this meant that while I felt like I was drowning in anxiety, to the outside world, I seemed to have everything under control. I went years without addressing my anxiety, and there weren’t many signs that suggested I was in a severe state. That’s just how I preferred it.
I was keeping up with parenting, my job, and even led a Girl Scout troop for a time. But deep down, I was constantly worried. I worried that I wasn’t doing enough, or that I wasn’t doing it well enough. I was terrified that if I couldn’t keep up, it would mean I had failed.
I was convinced that everyone who mattered in my life would be disappointed, angry, or even pity me for not having it all together. I set high expectations for myself, thinking that if I could just outrun my shortcomings, I’d be safe from rejection.
Sounds dramatic, right? It absolutely was. One day, I was running late to pick up my child from Pre-K and forgot a baseball cap to hide my messy hair. I had jumped into work wearing lounge clothes and felt utterly embarrassed when I realized my appearance as I parked. I even contemplated just driving home. Thankfully, my daughter was the line leader that day, and we were out of there quickly. But still, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that the other moms thought I was lazy and foolish. I cried the entire way home.
This is a glimpse into how high-functioning anxiety can manifest. My untreated anxiety clouded my ability to distinguish between rational thoughts and the illogical chatter in my mind. This highlights the difference between a perfectionist and someone battling a high-functioning mental illness. One desires things to be done perfectly; the other believes the world will come crashing down if they don’t achieve that.
Those of us with high-functioning anxiety face a double-edged sword. My ability to keep it together meant I was always trying to keep up with unrealistic standards.
Take, for example, the night before “crazy hair day” in the fall of 2019. Yes, it’s been nearly three years, but I can vividly recall every detail and emotion from that night (another perk of untreated anxiety).
Crazy hair day comes around every year during spirit week. My youngest was excited about cupcake buns, while my older daughter wanted something fancier since she was in 1st grade. We picked out the exact cupcake wrappers she desired and watched countless YouTube tutorials to ensure we got it right. I even compromised on makeup, opting for a sparkly lip gloss and carefully placed blush to complete the cupcake look.
We had it just right, yet my anxiety kept me up at night worrying that it wouldn’t be enough. I had taken half a day off work to make this special, but my anxiety turned into a storm of “what ifs.” What if one of her buns fell apart during the day? What if someone else had a better version of the same hairstyle? What if she was embarrassed by me?
This is how my inner dialogue sounded, and I assure you, I am not exaggerating.
Does Any of This Resonate with You?
If you’re grappling with untreated mental health issues, you might hesitate to voice these thoughts. You wouldn’t want anyone to think you’re irrational.
The best way to describe this feeling to someone who hasn’t experienced anxiety is to say that, logically, you know these thoughts are unfounded, yet your nerves and thoughts don’t align—nothing makes sense.
Perhaps if I had shared my struggles with someone, I would have recognized how unhealthy my inner dialogue had become. According to the Office on Women’s Health, nearly 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. experience anxiety disorders, and women are twice as likely as men to face these challenges over their lifetimes.
When I finally sought treatment for my Generalized Anxiety Disorder—14 years later—I found a more sustainable balance. Suddenly, those around me started to notice. They asked what was wrong when I didn’t seem to be in crisis. Why was my energy lower? Why wasn’t I doing as much as before?
The most valuable question someone can ask is, “How can I help?”
If you, or someone you know, shows signs of perfectionism, opening up a conversation can be beneficial. Now, I’m not suggesting you directly ask if someone has anxiety (no need for a full-blown intervention). A simple “How are you really doing?” can make a world of difference. Honest discussions about mental health can be transformative.
This could mean the difference between pushing through pain to the breaking point or realizing that you don’t have to go through it alone.
Consider this my way of changing the narrative. I’m sharing my story because I know I’m not alone, and I don’t want you to feel alone either.
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In summary, I was the mom who seemed to have it all together, but underneath, I was struggling with high-functioning anxiety. Recognizing this helped me seek treatment and understand the importance of open conversations about mental health.