My son has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), and it has turned our lives upside down. The emotional toll is immense, and I wouldn’t wish this experience on any parent. When things are good between us, they’re genuinely wonderful, but when they’re bad, I find myself wanting to retreat to my bed and cry. He just turned 13, and alongside typical teenage mood swings, he constantly challenges my authority and argues with me. It’s become unbearable. I love him dearly, but there are moments when I find it hard to like him. What mother admits to such feelings? One who is utterly worn out, that’s who.
Yes, we have pursued counseling, both individually and as a family. My husband and I have worked with a therapist to adopt parenting strategies aimed at mitigating these conflicts, which were effective when he was younger. Now, however, he is relentless. He seems determined to push back against everything I say. If he has a bad day at school, he returns home ready to pick a fight. It doesn’t even matter if the issue is old; if it’s something he can debate, he’s all in. The most frustrating part is that I often engage him in these battles, growing weary of his endless arguments. I feel the need to assert my role as the parent, but it feels like a losing battle.
There are times when I know better than to respond. Experts advise taking a deep breath and walking away, suggesting that I calmly tell him, “Let’s discuss this later when you’re calm.” That approach worked for a while, but it no longer does. Now, I sometimes find myself screaming in frustration, which only adds to my guilt. I feel like a terrible mother, a failure. This isn’t what I envisioned when I decided to become a parent.
His defiance affects the entire family dynamic. It feels as though his negative energy permeates our home. His siblings suffer too, as I become so consumed with managing his behavior that I often overlook their needs. This isn’t fair to them, and they’re starting to resent him for it. They don’t like seeing me in a bad mood or hearing us argue. They just want a sense of normalcy.
The most challenging aspect is that he is aware of his actions. Sometimes, he storms off only to return a few minutes later to apologize. Yet, I can tell that many of his apologies are insincere, offered to get what he wants instead of out of genuine remorse. When he does apologize sincerely, his demeanor shifts completely; he becomes calm, his face relaxed, and his voice soothing, which often brings me to tears. That’s the son I love, the one I miss while he’s caught up in this struggle.
I often wonder how I’ve raised someone who seems to disregard my authority. I believed I was doing a good job. ODD isn’t a choice; it’s a behavioral disorder. Deep down, I don’t believe he wants to behave this way. His brain simply processes things differently than mine. He reacts with anger and defiance in situations where I would choose to walk away. I try to explain how his behavior impacts me and others, but it often feels futile. It’s as if he doesn’t care.
Despite this, my son is incredibly intelligent and charming. He holds a special place in my heart, which makes it all the more difficult to admit my struggles in parenting him. He needs my support and care, and I provide it willingly. I love making his lunch and teasing his hair. I do his laundry and tidy his room. I want to be the best mother possible, yet I find myself resenting his behavior deeply, feeling it’s somehow my fault. What could I have done differently? Some experts argue that ODD stems from the environment. Have I created a toxic home? Does he truly dislike being around me? Will things ever improve? I pray about it daily.
It’s important to note that our life isn’t dreadful all the time. He can be delightful and affectionate. He enjoys playing games and sharing stories about his interests. His laughter is infectious, and his bright green eyes bring joy to my life. I yearn for more of those moments and for calm, enjoyable family time. My biggest wish is to understand the root of his anger and why he seems to feel that I’m ruining his life. My other children don’t share this sentiment; parenting them feels entirely different. He is, without a doubt, the “odd man out,” and that pains me.
Doctors assure me that children can outgrow ODD and become well-adjusted adults. The later the onset, the better the chances of managing it effectively as they age. He was around 10 when the symptoms began, which gives me some hope. I’m also relieved that he doesn’t act out in school or with other adults; it’s just me. I can handle it. This is part of the commitment I made when I became a parent. Life rarely follows a predictable path.
He was my firstborn, the one who made me a mother. I’ll always be grateful to him for that transformation. He challenges and tests me, but he also loves me. I know he does. He’s just a kid navigating his own struggles, and he needs me to be his ally, not his adversary. I believe we’ll get through this. I have faith that things will improve over time. It’s up to me to foster the best in him, and I must remind myself not to engage in arguments.
My heart is steadfast in its love for him. I just need to find clarity and refrain from conflict. We both deserve better, and I must lead him toward overcoming these challenges. I can and will do this because my love for him knows no bounds.
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Summary
Parenting a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder can be an emotional rollercoaster. The struggle to maintain a loving relationship amidst frequent conflicts can leave a parent feeling drained and uncertain. Despite the challenges, there is hope for improvement over time, and the love for the child remains steadfast. Support and understanding are key in navigating this difficult journey.