From an early age, I was introduced to dieting—starting at just seven years old. I wasn’t overweight; in fact, I was healthy and energetic, with sun-kissed skin and scraped knees to show for it. The excitement of dieting came not from a desire to lose weight, but from the fact that my mother was joining me. Whether it was the exercise videos she played on repeat or our morning yoga sessions, I eagerly embraced any activity that let me mimic her.
While my mother never explicitly shamed me for my appearance, her feelings about her own body were unmistakable. She stopped wearing shorts in her mid-thirties, claiming her legs were “too heavy” and “too veiny,” despite weighing probably no more than 110 pounds. She often reminisced about weighing less than a hundred pounds when she married my father, emphasizing that this was after having two children. It seemed that the weight she gained over the years weighed heavier on her self-esteem than on her actual body. To others, she embodied the ideal beauty of the ’80s—slim and graceful.
My grandmother, on the other hand, was larger, and I cherished her softness and comfort. Yet, the narrative I absorbed from both my mother and grandmother was one of loss. My mother often remarked, “She wasn’t always fat,” as if that fact held some redeeming grace. A photo of my grandmother from her youth adorned the wall, capturing her in a more slender form, vibrant and full of life. It was understood without words that she was considered more beautiful then.
In eighth grade, my mother grew worried that I was eating too much and sought counseling for me. I was likely experiencing the normal weight fluctuations of adolescence, but she didn’t consider that our family was struggling financially. After my father left, we relied on food stamps and canned goods, and I often ate quickly, knowing there would be times when food was scarce. I still remember the moment a friend’s parents decided she couldn’t stay over because we “didn’t have any food.”
When there was food, life felt good. But the fear of gaining weight loomed large, complicating my relationship with food. I never had a fair chance at developing a healthy perspective on my body or my eating habits.
My mother now recognizes this cycle as a generational curse. “I was always terrified of gaining weight,” she tells me, reflecting on her own insecurities. Her mother and grandmother would express similar fears, lamenting the inevitable weight gain over tea or in the garden. My mother was thin as a child, even embarrassed by her collarbones, and those who loved her worked hard to ensure she wouldn’t face the same struggles. But in trying to shield me from that fate, she inadvertently set me on the same path.
I can’t recall a moment when I felt at peace with my body—not even during times when I looked the way I wished to now. My weight fluctuates dramatically, and my eating habits swing between bingeing and obsessive calorie counting. Despite being healthy and strong, and having given life to my children, I still avoid shorts. When I look in the mirror, I see only the flaws—sagging skin and imperfections that echo my mother’s own insecurities.
I search for validation in my reflection, but it’s no wonder I come up empty. My mother believed she was helping me by instilling these habits, just as her mother did for her. She meant no harm; her intention was to prepare me for a lifetime of healthy living so I wouldn’t have to worry about weight gain. But what it really taught me was how to avoid loving myself.
Explore More
If you’re interested in exploring more about body image and related topics, check out some of our other blog posts, like this one about home insemination and its implications for self-acceptance. For those seeking reliable information on at-home insemination, the Make a Mom site is a great authority. Additionally, Facts About Fertility offers excellent resources for understanding fertility and pregnancy.
Summary
The author reflects on their lifelong struggle with body image, influenced by their mother’s own insecurities about weight and appearance. This generational cycle of body dissatisfaction has shaped their relationship with food and self-worth. Despite being healthy, they grapple with self-acceptance and the impact of inherited beliefs about beauty.
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