Many people proudly label themselves as allies when they believe they are open-minded and accepting of LGBTQIA+ individuals. While refraining from homophobia and sporting rainbow merchandise during Pride month are positive steps, genuine allyship goes beyond mere proclamations like “Love Is Love.” LGBTQIA+ rights encompass more than just same-sex marriage or the denial of cakes at bakeries. True allyship demands that we wholeheartedly support and uplift every sexual orientation, gender identity, and form of gender expression, even when we find them challenging to comprehend. Unfortunately, some who declare themselves allies often add conditions — “buts,” “what abouts,” and “ifs” — to their support, allowing them to evade discomfort and avoid confronting their own biases.
Being an ally requires sacrifice, whether that means choosing not to patronize a favorite fast-food chain or distancing oneself from friends or businesses. It may involve leaving a church that isn’t welcoming to queer individuals. Real allyship involves actively unlearning biases instead of sidestepping them. It means recognizing that intent doesn’t negate impact and that gaslighting queer voices is not supportive.
For meaningful progress toward acceptance and unconditional support, you must embrace all facets of the queer community. You cannot ask LGBTQIA+ individuals to tone down their self-expression or dismiss queer youth as being “too young” to understand their identities. You should not turn away from aspects of queerness that challenge your beliefs, whether those beliefs stem from gender norms, religious views, or misconceptions about science.
Being a true ally means prioritizing the experiences of queer individuals without resorting to devil’s advocate arguments or ignoring the prejudices that hinder your growth. It involves being uncomfortable at times; unlike queer individuals who cannot opt out of discomfort in a heteronormative world, allies have the privilege of choice.
Authentic allyship can be confrontational and challenging. It falls on you, the self-identified ally, to enact change. The burden to prove your acceptance does not lie with LGBTQIA+ individuals. We seek unwavering love and support; if you can’t provide that, you cannot call yourself an ally. We should not have to wait for you to dismantle your ignorance or reevaluate your beliefs. We need you to engage in the hard conversations while actively listening and challenging your preconceived notions.
Phrases like “love the sinner, hate the sin” when discussing queer individuals in a religious context do not demonstrate allyship. Allowing conversations that prioritize “what about my beliefs” at the expense of LGBTQIA+ rights is not allyship. Saying you support gay individuals but prefer not to see them display affection for one another is not allyship. Publicly declaring that #translivesmatter while refusing to acknowledge gender-neutral pronouns is not allyship. Supporting LGBTQIA+ rights while simultaneously endorsing openly anti-queer organizations is not allyship.
As a queer nonbinary parent raising children—one of whom is transgender—in a country that often feels unsafe for queer families, I shouldn’t feel fortunate simply because I reside in a state without anti-trans legislation. Families in areas with such policies should not have to relocate to find safety; every place should be a safe haven for LGBTQIA+ individuals. We understand that systemic change doesn’t happen without effort.
We fight for our rights and look to allies to join us in these struggles, but we need that support to be unconditional. There is no room for “buts,” “ifs,” or “what abouts.” As queer individuals and transgender youth fight for their rights, allies cannot prioritize their own comfort and still claim the title of ally.
While I acknowledge that homophobia and transphobia will always exist, I believe many people can be swayed through education and exposure to queer stories. This is where allies come in. You can act as a shield for those who need guidance or a gentle nudge toward embracing queer acceptance and active allyship.
Yes, this is a heavy responsibility for cishet allies, but your privilege in a heteronormative society allows you to undertake this work without facing the same risks as queer individuals. The queer community encompasses far more than the stereotypical gay couple portrayed on mainstream sitcoms. Queerness defies binary gender definitions, and not all transgender individuals desire to conform to cisgender norms for others’ comfort. Gender expression is diverse and should not be constrained by societal expectations. Religion and queerness can coexist safely, and it is up to allies to ensure that these realities are upheld in all areas of life, allowing LGBTQIA+ individuals to navigate inclusive and safe spaces without conditions that reinforce cishet privilege.
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In summary, true allyship in the LGBTQIA+ community requires a commitment to unconditional support, a willingness to confront discomfort, and the courage to unlearn biases. Allies must prioritize the voices and experiences of queer individuals without adding conditions or caveats to their support.