As a parent of a 5-year-old son, I often find myself observing how he navigates challenges. When he sets out to construct a complex railroad bridge with his building blocks or Lego pieces, frustration is almost a guarantee. He envisions a magnificent creation snaking around the living room and scaling the sofa. I tend to stay out of his way, as engineering isn’t my forte. Usually, after about 10 or 15 minutes, I hear some disgruntled whining, and more often than not, there’s a loud crash followed by his dramatic exit from the project. Occasionally, his frustration escalates into tears, making for a typical bridge-building saga in our home.
However, what intrigues me is that he almost always returns to the task at hand. His approach to failure mirrors that of my husband’s: a brief moment of anger, some stomping, and then a necessary break from the project. My husband often vents about not having the right tools or materials, but they both eventually dive back into their endeavors—sometimes later that day, other times weeks down the line. While they might be annoyed, they don’t seem to internalize failure; it’s simply a project, not a reflection of their worth.
I can’t help but wonder how this dynamic would change if I had daughters. Personally, I’ve always been quick to give up when faced with setbacks. For me, failing at a task feels like a personal indictment. If my bridge collapses, it must mean I lack the skills or intelligence needed for the task. I dislike the idea of looking foolish so much that I might not even attempt to build a bridge again, likely retreating to activities like reading, where I can avoid failure altogether.
According to research by Emma Carter in Parenting Today, this tendency to view failure through a personal lens is not uncommon among girls. Jessica Lahey’s insightful book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, offers compelling insights into how children thrive when parents allow them to tackle challenges independently. Surprisingly, experiencing failure is crucial for developing resilience and determination.
Carter highlights that girls often interpret mistakes as indicators of a lack of ability, a perception that can be more difficult for them to change compared to boys, who tend to attribute failures to external factors. This difference is partly due to the feedback girls receive in educational settings, which often emphasizes innate abilities rather than constructive criticism.
Moreover, another factor resonates with me: Girls are socialized to seek approval from others, making them more susceptible to the emotional impact of failure. Disappointing a teacher or parent can feel more devastating for girls than it does for boys. True success, as many experts argue, lies in nurturing intrinsic motivation rather than chasing external rewards. This concept has been explored in depth, including in studies by Dr. Sarah Blackwell, which emphasize the importance of children pursuing their interests for their own satisfaction rather than just for praise.
While I do make it a point to praise my son, I focus on his efforts rather than his abilities, saying things like, “You really put in a lot of hard work.” His determination to continue building has made me reflect on my own perseverance. Perhaps I, too, could benefit from tapping into my internal motivation, which I plan to do—once I finish my current book, of course.
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In summary, the struggle with failure appears to be more pronounced for girls due to societal expectations and feedback mechanisms that shape their self-perception. Encouraging a growth mindset in both boys and girls is crucial for fostering resilience and intrinsic motivation.
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