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Parenting
By Jane Fairweather
Updated: Jan. 14, 2016
Originally Published: June 19, 2015
Last summer, as my daughter Lucy neared her tenth birthday, my parents spent considerable time with my kids, leading to enlightening conversations. My father, especially, shared his insights on Lucy and her younger brother, Ben. One evening, after dinner, he expressed a concern: he felt we were perhaps too close. He cautioned me about the risks of over-identification and excessive entanglement.
I frowned, realizing that his worries echoed my own. Yet, I countered by highlighting how Lucy had boldly ventured to sleepaway camp before any of her peers, all on her own. My father leaned back, steepling his fingers thoughtfully. “I suppose you’re right, Jane,” he mused. His acknowledgment resonated deeply, reinforcing my belief in independence—a lesson I learned from him during my own childhood.
A vivid memory from my fourth-grade year resurfaced, illustrating my father’s approach to independence. As we prepared for ice skating in gym class, a note was required from a parent allowing us to skate without a helmet. Mortified at the thought of wearing one, I nagged my mother to write the note. Finally, she sighed, hands covered in dough, and said, “Ask your father.”
I found him in the living room, immersed in a hefty German history book. He agreed to write the note, but to my horror, he crafted it in his usual verbose style: “Recognizing that risk is an inherent and essential aspect of life, we gladly permit Lucy to skate without a helmet.” I pleaded for a more conventional note, but he simply chuckled at my embarrassment. “You can either hand this in or wear a helmet,” he said with a grin. Frustrated, I stomped upstairs, probably putting on some of my favorite tunes. The next day, my cheeks burned with humiliation as I handed that note to my gym teacher.
Over time, I’ve come to understand that my father’s intent was to poke fun at what he deemed a silly rule—something that seems ridiculous when I reflect on the carefree days of the early ‘80s. This small incident illuminated how my parents valued independence and encouraged facing the world boldly, filled with both risks and adventures.
I have fully internalized this principle. I feel immense pride when my children exhibit self-reliance and courage. Watching them embrace challenges fills my heart with joy, often more than witnessing their achievements. Yet, I sometimes worry: Am I pushing them away too quickly? Am I emphasizing autonomy to the detriment of our bond? If I celebrate their independence too loudly, will they hesitate to return? This balancing act between closeness and separation is one of the core challenges of parenting.
Moreover, I associate autonomy with a broader perspective on life. I want my children to understand that while they are my top priority, they are not the sole focus of the universe. Encouraging them to step beyond their comfort zones—out of my embrace—feels essential for their growth and serves as a reminder of the vast world outside our family. It’s a world where they can be both vulnerable and empowered, capable of handling the embarrassment of turning in an awkward note yet skating away unscathed.
When doubts creep in, questioning whether I’m severing our emotional connection or facing judgment for my choices, I remind myself of the importance of fostering independence. I firmly believe teaching my children self-sufficiency helps them center their lives without expecting the universe to revolve around them. It’s crucial that they learn to stand on their own two feet—both literally and figuratively—so they can grasp their own strength and agency.
In the end, trusting our children as independent beings inherently requires us as parents to trust ourselves. We must have faith that they will act responsibly and that we have set appropriate boundaries—whether it’s making eye contact with an adult or being cautious around traffic. It has taken me time to recognize that I do trust myself; my actions as a parent reflect this realization.
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In summary, nurturing independence in our children is a delicate dance. It requires us to balance trust in their abilities with trust in ourselves as parents. By doing so, we empower them to thrive in an unpredictable world while maintaining a loving bond.
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