Everyone experiences anxiety at some point, often without realizing it. We’ve all felt nervous about things like exams or first dates, as well as genuine fears about significant life events, such as becoming a parent or a loved one’s health issues. Before I started therapy, I believed my anxiety was just a common part of adult life. My initial reason for seeking therapy was to navigate emotions surrounding a potential divorce since, after 12 years with someone, it’s impossible to find an unbiased listener among friends.
What I discovered in therapy was that my struggles were more complex than mere confusion or a busy mind. While I had heard of anxiety and depression, I never thought to apply those terms to myself. I thought my worry was typical for someone in my family—my mother used to say, “we come from a line of worriers.” I mistakenly believed that not having thoughts of self-harm meant I couldn’t be depressed.
However, I learned that my feelings were anything but typical. Coming home from work only to retreat to bed and binge-watch TV every night? Not normal. Feeling unworthy of joy or excitement? Not normal. Constantly worrying about upcoming events to the point of losing enjoyment in life? Definitely not normal—especially when I had so much to be grateful for, like my little one who brightens my days.
I hoped that once I received a diagnosis, a clear path to improvement would follow. That’s how it usually works with medical issues, right? You receive treatment and then heal. I soon realized that mental health is far more intricate. I was given tools to help manage my anxiety, but even during good times, those negative feelings lurk beneath the surface, ready to strike at the slightest hint of vulnerability.
There are moments when I forget my anxiety exists. When I’m thriving at work, pushing myself at the gym, and planning fun activities with my child, I feel capable of tackling anything. But then, after a late night watching a movie, anxiety takes the wheel the next day. If I don’t contribute enough in a meeting, I question my qualifications. If I let my daughter watch a show while I tidy up, I worry she’ll become addicted to screens and see me as a bad parent. If my partner inquires about my well-being, I fear he’s unhappy and will eventually leave me like others have. Deep down, I know these thoughts are irrational, but when anxiety grips me, logic fades away.
And when specific triggers arise, that’s when panic attacks can strike. They often occur when I’m already anxious, but a pre-existing sensitivity can amplify the experience, leading to a rapid downward spiral. Suddenly, I feel encased in a bubble, disconnected from the world—everything blurs, sounds become distant, and my mind is engulfed in darkness and pain. While these episodes pass, they can feel like an eternity while they last.
Fortunately, these panic attacks are infrequent. They tend to resurface during challenging times, such as when I was navigating my divorce or grieving the sudden loss of a beloved pet. However, the coping strategies I learned in therapy can sometimes mitigate them. When I carve out time to meditate, it helps ease my anxiety. Music has proven to be especially effective for me. I created a soothing Spotify playlist that I play when anxiety begins to rise, and if I catch it early enough, it can help calm the storm.
In one of John Mayer’s songs, he reflects on the emotional ups and downs that follow a breakup with the line, “Oh honey, it’s just a wave.” Although the song isn’t directly about anxiety, I find myself repeating this mantra whenever I feel anxiety creeping in: “Oh honey, it’s just a wave. I just hold on.”
While music is my preferred coping method, it may not resonate with everyone. What I hope to achieve by sharing my experiences is to connect with others who may feel isolated in their struggles. If my story helps even one person feel less alone, then it’s worth sharing my vulnerabilities. If you ever find yourself overwhelmed by your mental health challenges, please reach out for support—you don’t have to face this alone.
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Summary:
This article explores the author’s journey through anxiety, highlighting the misconceptions about what constitutes “normal” anxiety. Initially believing that her feelings were typical, the author discovers the depth of her struggles through therapy. She shares insights into coping mechanisms and the importance of seeking help, emphasizing that no one should navigate mental health challenges alone.