My youngest son, who is in 8th grade, recently returned to in-person schooling two days a week. This change seems to have positively impacted him, helping him break free from a slump typical of 14-year-olds, which is a relief for me.
Last Monday, he asked if he could stay after school to help his science teacher prepare for the English teacher’s birthday celebration. Immediately, I felt a twinge of skepticism. Last year, I discovered some marijuana joints in his room, which he claimed were given to him by a friend—one with whom he had previously been caught misbehaving in the cafeteria.
While I don’t blame his friend for these actions, my son is certainly capable of making his own choices and is aware of what is right and wrong. He also knows how to say no, as he frequently reminds me of my own rules.
After a year of virtual learning and minimal social interaction, he had not faced any significant consequences. However, I trust my instincts, and something felt off. I agreed he could stay but only after confirming with his teacher, who he said would be supervising.
To my relief, his teacher verified that he would be there with a couple of other students for an hour after school. When I told my son he could stay, he acknowledged that he was aware I would check up on him, assuring me that he wouldn’t mislead me.
I share this not because my son is perfect, but because I have learned the importance of setting boundaries after making mistakes with my three teenagers. My youngest has been the most stubborn, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try to test limits again.
As a “cool” parent, I often granted second chances too quickly, and I was disappointed every time. My oldest had a friend who consistently got them into trouble with marijuana, yet I continued to offer chances. My daughter went through a phase of being disrespectful, but when she would act nicer, I often rewarded her with treats she didn’t earn, which only led to more disrespectful behavior.
This pattern illustrates the need for clear boundaries. Without them, teens will take advantage, and all three of mine certainly did. By not establishing limits, I was essentially teaching them how to treat me.
I recognize that their moods can be influenced by various factors, leading to irritability and withdrawal. While I strive to be understanding, I also maintain respect for myself and our relationship by enforcing clear boundaries and consequences. If they are acting out, I engage them by asking what’s wrong, making it clear I’m there to help, but not as a target for their frustrations.
Disciplinary measures may include taking away privileges like their phones or restricting social outings if they violate curfews or lie about their whereabouts. I have learned that checking in after they’ve regained social freedoms is not an act of overbearing parenting; it’s a reminder that they need to rebuild the trust they’ve broken. If I didn’t do this, they would quickly revert to deceptive behaviors.
I draw from my own experiences growing up in a household where my mother overlooked our misdeeds, leading to a loss of respect and a belief that we could avoid consequences.
Boundaries also mean respecting my time. For example, when I pick them up from their father’s house, I expect them to be ready and not leave me waiting in the driveway for thirty minutes. One of my friends faces a similar challenge with her daughter, who often keeps her mother waiting unnecessarily.
If they request special items from the grocery store and then waste them, they know I won’t be buying those again.
It’s essential to strike a balance; everyone has bad days and makes mistakes. I want my children to enjoy spending time with me, yet I’ve learned that if I don’t enforce boundaries, they will take advantage and make life more challenging for both of us.
Ultimately, we establish boundaries to teach our children how to treat others. It’s not easy, but it’s a necessary part of their growth. I’d rather they be upset with me now than struggle in the future without the tools they need to navigate life.
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Summary
Setting clear boundaries is essential for effective parenting, especially during the teenage years. It’s important to balance understanding with discipline, ensuring that children learn to respect both themselves and others. Establishing and maintaining these boundaries can prevent issues and promote a healthier relationship between parents and teens.