Relief can be a powerful and often misunderstood emotion. While it typically brings to mind feelings of reassurance or relaxation, it’s not a common response associated with grief or loss. Most people don’t feel relief when a loved one dies, yet that was my experience when my mother passed away.
When she died in June, I experienced an unexpected sense of comfort and happiness. It was a moment of respite from years of turmoil. My mother was a deeply complex individual, battling mental health issues and addiction later in life. She could be harsh and abusive, often expressing her frustrations with cutting words. For 36 years, I endured emotional manipulation and verbal abuse, and her death provided me with a sense of closure.
I grapple with feelings of shame and anger about my initial reaction. What kind of person feels relief over their mother’s death? To understand my feelings, one must delve into the complicated nature of my mother’s life and our fraught relationship. My mother struggled with untreated depression, which consumed much of my childhood. She would often belittle me, calling me worthless and a disappointment. Her battle with alcohol only exacerbated our strained relationship.
While I didn’t hate my mother, I grew to resent the person she became and the impact her actions had on my life. Loving an addict is a heavy burden, and I felt an overwhelming need to save her. So, when I received the call that she was “missing” on June 24th, I remained calm. The thought of her possible death brought me relief because it promised an end to our shared pain.
When I arrived at her apartment, I knew what I might find. I took a deep breath before opening her door, not out of fear, but because it felt like a weight was finally lifting. If she were gone, she would be at peace, and I would find safety from the chaos of our relationship. Make no mistake: I never wished for her death. Despite my relief, I wish she were still here, as I long for the relationship we could have had and the memories we will never create together.
This complicated mix of emotions can leave one feeling guilty or ashamed. It’s not uncommon for those grieving to feel relief, yet it often feels like a taboo topic. As noted in a piece from What’s Your Grief, “For many, relief feels like something they should be ashamed of…” However, emotions can coexist, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Understanding that I’m not alone in this journey has been comforting.
If you find yourself mourning a complicated relationship and experiencing relief, know that your feelings are valid. You are not alone in this experience, and your thoughts and emotions matter, no matter where you are in your grief.
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Summary
The author reflects on her complex feelings of relief and comfort following her mother’s death, stemming from a long history of emotional abuse and trauma. She explores the societal stigma surrounding relief in grief and reassures readers that such feelings are valid. Acknowledging the complicated nature of their relationship, she articulates the longing for a different past while also recognizing her own emotions.