Here’s the honest reality: I endured four pregnancy losses, and after each one, I found myself harboring resentment toward my partner.
My first loss was an ectopic pregnancy, where the embryo implanted in my left fallopian tube, necessitating emergency surgery to end its life and save my own. The day after the surgery, while I was recovering in bed and feeling groggy from pain medication, my husband, Alex, chose to attend a hockey game with his brother. When I vented my frustration—no, my anger—about this to a friend, she recounted, “When I had my miscarriage, my partner went to Vegas.”
This seems to be a recurring theme with some partners following pregnancy losses. Psychologists refer to it as avoidance; I simply call it frustrating.
Throughout my four losses (two ectopic pregnancies, a first-trimester miscarriage, and a second-trimester miscarriage), Alex sought distraction through various projects. He took up mountain biking, meticulously plotting out routes through local trails, leaving maps scattered around our home. He engaged in long runs, volunteered for local causes he had never cared about before, and even became fixated on cleaning—one day, I found him scrubbing the backyard cement. At one point, he enrolled in a disaster preparedness course, researching questions like, “Can you drink pool water in an emergency?” I found myself pondering if this was a metaphor, a sign that our losses had left him feeling so vulnerable that he was compelled to prepare for every possible disaster.
One thing that was notably absent from his list of activities was talking to me. I needed to discuss our losses, but this desire clashed with his inclination to “move on.” He preferred to avoid the topic entirely, treating everyday life as if nothing had happened. I resented his stoicism and felt like a mental and physical wreck. To me, it appeared he wasn’t grieving at all—he was clearly too busy for that.
It took time and couples therapy for me to understand that Alex was grieving, just in his own way. While co-authoring “All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss,” I had extensive discussions with my collaborators (Samantha Lee, a clinical social worker, and Dr. Noah Tran, a board-certified psychologist) about how common it is for couples to struggle after such losses due to differing grieving styles. As grief expert David Kessler shared with Brené Brown on her “Unlocking Us” podcast, “I don’t believe that child loss causes divorce; I believe the judgment of each other’s grief does.”
And the risk of divorce is a real concern for couples after a loss. A study tracking over 7,000 expectant couples for fifteen years found that those who experienced a miscarriage had a 22% higher likelihood of separation compared to those who didn’t, with even greater percentages for couples facing stillbirth. This increased risk of divorce can persist for up to a decade after the loss.
If you’re feeling resentment toward your partner after a pregnancy loss and want to preserve your relationship, here are some thoughts to consider:
- He lost a baby too. While he didn’t carry the baby, he was also anticipating parenthood. I remember the joy in Alex’s eyes when I first told him about the pregnancy. I was so focused on my own pain that I didn’t think much about his disappointment during our losses. But fathers grieve too. Research has shown that stillbirth affects fathers as well, leading to grief suppression, job difficulties, financial strain, and increased substance use.
- He likely feels helpless. Alex is a natural problem-solver, and there’s no easy solution to the grief of pregnancy loss. This feeling of helplessness can lead partners to retreat: “If I can’t fix it, I don’t want to deal with it.” This retreat is indicative of their own pain.
- He might be scared too. At one point, Alex expressed, “You’re my rock. I don’t know what to do when you’re crumbling.” He feared he had lost me irreparably, worried I would never recover from our losses. We should have acknowledged each other’s fears and created a space for mutual comfort, which would have made the journey smoother.
- It’s not that he doesn’t care; he’s trying to be strong. Men are often socialized to suppress emotions to appear strong and in control. Whenever I reflect on this, I find more empathy for Alex.
- Seek support from others. Society often romanticizes the idea of a partner being everything, which places immense pressure on one person. Instead of fixating on Alex’s inability to fulfill all my emotional needs, I learned to reach out to friends and family. Seeking support outside of my marriage didn’t mean giving up; it alleviated pressure on our relationship. Once I found that support, my resentment toward Alex lessened. My needs were met, not solely by him, and that saved us. This experience also clarified what we could reasonably expect from each other. Do I wish he were more emotionally expressive at times? Sometimes. But I love him for who he is, and I acknowledge there will be moments when I need support from others. I’m grateful I realized this early in our marriage; it shifted our expectations and clarified our needs. Loss has a way of doing that—shifting perspectives and clarifying priorities.
- Keep the big picture in mind. Grieving is intense, but it is just a phase. It has been years since our losses (we now have a 3-year-old daughter who came to us after a smooth pregnancy—go figure). I can now say that our experiences made us stronger as a couple. It may sound cliché, but it’s true. Our trials have instilled confidence in our resilience together. I know there’s so much we can endure as a team.
If you’re interested in more insights on this topic, check out this post here. For authoritative information, visit Make a Mom. For additional resources, explore March of Dimes.
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In summary, navigating the emotional aftermath of pregnancy loss can be challenging, especially when partners grieve differently. It’s crucial to acknowledge each other’s pain, communicate openly, and seek support outside the relationship to foster understanding and healing. Over time, these experiences can strengthen the bond between partners.