Navigating conversations about consent and boundaries with our children can indeed feel overwhelming. However, initiating these discussions early and often is essential. Consent transcends the realm of sexual relationships; it encompasses listening to our instincts and distinguishing between our true desires and the pressures we may feel to conform. It involves checking in with those around us and honoring their responses. To effectively guide our children and ourselves through uncomfortable situations, we must prioritize our own feelings and needs without compromising them for the sake of others.
A viral Twitter thread by Lila Green highlights the impactful lesson she learned from her mother, who consistently affirmed, “You can leave if you want.” Lila recounts her first sleepover experience, where her mother assured her that she could come home anytime without needing to explain her choice. All Lila had to do was inform her friend’s parent and then call her mother, who would pick her up regardless of the hour. This approach did not sit well with her friend and the friend’s mom, who attempted to persuade Lila to stay and even apologized to her mother when she arrived in pajamas to take Lila home. However, Lila’s mother firmly stated, “Don’t apologize for my daughter. I want her to know she’s allowed to leave, and I’ll be there for her anytime.” This lesson resonated deeply with Lila and shaped her ability to set boundaries in various areas of her life.
As Lila matured, she recognized that the autonomy she was taught to embrace regarding her body and emotions is not universal. The notion that it’s acceptable to exit uncomfortable situations should not be revolutionary, yet it is, as many of us grow up conditioned to be polite and accommodating. We often feel compelled to endure uncomfortable experiences for the sake of others, fearing that expressing our discomfort might offend someone. Prioritizing our well-being should not be deemed selfish. If we fail to grant our children the freedom to leave situations that feel wrong to them—be it a party, a sleepover, or a playdate—how can we expect them to assert themselves in more serious situations?
I want my children to trust their instincts when faced with peer pressure regarding drugs, alcohol, or sexual advances. I aim for them to feel secure in knowing that I will always support them, and that trust can only develop when I validate their feelings of discomfort. Balancing accountability and autonomy can be challenging. My children have occasionally used my teachings about consent to evade responsibilities like showering and attending school. I acknowledge their perspective, but I also emphasize the importance of self-care, education, and communication.
Life is not always enjoyable or comfortable; however, the discipline and effort required in certain areas do not equate to sacrificing our values or emotional consent. I remind my kids that they can step away from a sport or activity, but they must communicate their intentions to their coach or teammates. If dissatisfaction arises, it is their responsibility to express it.
I strive to make it clear that while discomfort does not automatically signal danger, feeling uneasy to please others often indicates a breach of personal boundaries. It has taken me years to learn that I am not accountable for the emotions of those around me. Articulating my needs and expectations is not impolite; it is a vital aspect of self-respect and protection. Having endured experiences where I felt pressured to prioritize others’ feelings, I learned the importance of walking away when necessary. I do not want my children to spend years unpacking trauma that should never have been inflicted upon them.
As I share this message, I am also reminding myself and my children of the vital lesson from Lila Green: “You can leave a date, a party, a job, a meeting, a commitment. You are allowed. If you’re concerned about keeping your word, remember that your boundaries are also your word and your integrity.” If something feels off, you have every right to walk away.
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Summary:
Teaching children about consent and boundaries is crucial for their emotional well-being. It is vital for them to understand that they can leave uncomfortable situations without feeling guilty. By promoting autonomy and validating their feelings, parents can empower their children to trust their instincts and prioritize their needs.