By: Lisa Thompson
Updated: Jan. 28, 2021
Originally Published: Jan. 28, 2021
As we age, our childhood memories often fade, blending into a hazy recollection. Yet, some moments remain vivid and cherished. One such memory is of a close family friend’s 40th birthday celebration. Her loved ones set up a delightful “Card Your Yard” surprise, complete with black and white cows and signs proclaiming, “Lordy, Lordy, look who’s 40!” I found it remarkably inventive and a wonderful way to honor a milestone. That evening, I had the pleasure of attending a cozy gathering filled with wine, party hats, games, and an abundance of laughter. I soaked it all in, feeling excited about the future.
Even before adolescence and high school, I knew I was looking forward to turning 40. I experienced some significant birthdays leading up to this one: getting my driver’s license at 16, becoming an adult at 18 when I started college, and enjoying the legal drinking age at 21. By the time I turned 30, I felt like I was emerging from young adulthood and finding my way, especially as I was getting married. Each birthday celebration built upon the last, each having its own significance in my life journey. Yet, I always had my sights set on the big 4-0, considering every celebration a stepping stone toward that moment.
I believe my planning began as soon as I turned 36. Perhaps it was a way to cope with the idea of aging, but I found the prospect of turning 40 exhilarating. I envisioned a trip to Las Vegas, staying in a penthouse suite at the Bellagio, complete with a stunning view of the fountains. I imagined donning dazzling sequined outfits while sipping cocktails, reveling in the sights and sounds of the Strip, and celebrating myself for three glorious days.
Adding to the excitement, my 10th wedding anniversary falls right after my birthday, which made my plans even more ambitious. I envisioned ending the weekend in a stunning floor-length white gown, with my husband looking sharp in his favorite suit, renewing our vows at a quirky chapel with Elvis officiating, surrounded by our friends who would laugh and cheer as we pledged our love once more.
As I reflect on it now, I feel a sense of loss. I had envisioned these experiences, but they remain just dreams, especially since I turn 40 in a few weeks… in 2021… during a global pandemic. All those aspirations have turned into distant hopes, and like millions worldwide, my plans have been drastically altered or even canceled.
Weddings, anniversaries, graduations, and yes, milestone birthdays have all been disrupted. This isn’t just my struggle; it’s a shared experience across the globe as we all navigate the challenges of a deadly virus.
While I feel sorry for myself, I recognize the greater heartache and loss others are facing. I sometimes resent myself for feeling this way, wishing I could just brush it off and think, “I’ll celebrate later.” But the truth is, I need to acknowledge this loss. I need to process my feelings and find a way to move forward. I know more birthdays will come, and my logical side understands this, but right now, I can’t shake the sadness.
I’ve spoken with my husband, family, friends, and even my therapist about how to manage this superficial sorrow. I know options like Zoom parties or small outdoor gatherings exist, and we could plan a local trip or do something fun at home, but none of those will compare to my original vision. So, I have to accept my reality and work through it.
My sacrifice is minor compared to what others have endured during these months. I aim to use that perspective to channel my energy into overcoming this sadness. I’ll focus on the joy I feel for my healthy family and adapt to whatever my 40th birthday brings. I will continue to do my part in combating this virus and anticipate the day I’m vaccinated, flying to Las Vegas alongside my husband and friends, glittering in a sequined dress with a cocktail in hand.
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Summary:
As I approach my 40th birthday, my grand plans for a celebratory trip to Las Vegas have been dashed by the pandemic. Reflecting on the significance of past birthdays, I feel a blend of excitement and disappointment. While I acknowledge the collective hardships faced globally, I grapple with my own sense of loss. Conversations with loved ones have led me to explore new ways to commemorate this milestone, even as I accept the reality of my situation. I will focus on gratitude for my health and the health of my family, looking forward to future celebrations when circumstances allow.