I sensed something was off the moment the pediatrician entered the room, her expression serious even behind her mask and face shield. Guilt washed over me before she even spoke, and when she did, it confirmed my fears: my son had not grown. Over the past year, during this pandemic, he had neither gained weight nor grown in height as expected.
My son is nine years old and has been a notoriously picky eater since he learned to assert his preferences. Coincidentally, this shift aligned with his newfound love for sweets like chocolate and gummy bears. Trying to get him to eat vegetables has been a challenge for nearly a decade. His pickiness intensified around the time of his father’s passing, when food became one of the few things he could control in an otherwise chaotic world. Some days, our dinner table felt like a battleground, and in those toughest moments, I often let him have his way. He needed those small victories.
Last year, however, we were finally prepared to tackle his eating habits. The grief had lessened, and he was beginning to understand how food impacted his energy levels. I arranged for him to see a pediatric nutritionist who came highly recommended. But just a week before the appointment, the world shut down due to COVID-19. I canceled it, reasoning that the risks of exposure outweighed the benefits. I thought we could revisit his eating habits once things settled down. (Looking back, I realize how naive that was.)
As summer arrived and safety measures were implemented, I chose not to reschedule the appointment. To my surprise, he was eating better. With us spending more time at home, he snacked frequently and was willing to try new foods, especially since some of his favorites were hard to find. With the loss of control came a newfound willingness to explore, and I felt a sense of relief as he began to enjoy a more varied diet.
He started incorporating more fruits and vegetables, and although there were still challenging days when he would protest at the dinner table, most days were an improvement—at least until the pediatrician’s visit confirmed he had not gained any weight.
Now, we are in the middle of a medical investigation to determine if there is a physical reason for his lack of weight gain or if he is consuming enough calories but not absorbing them properly. We’ve met with a pediatric gastroenterologist and had blood tests done. As I watched him bravely endure the blood draw, my guilt intensified.
I couldn’t shake thoughts of that canceled appointment from nearly a year ago, feeling responsible for allowing his growth to stall for an entire year. Did I overlook signs of his lack of growth because I was preoccupied with other pandemic-related stressors?
Logically, I know he was eating better than before. I remember him enjoying meatballs and even stealing a brussel sprout from his sister’s plate. Meals had become less of a struggle, and he was genuinely proud of trying new foods. If there is indeed a medical issue at play, it’s something I couldn’t have predicted—and that’s part of the reason for regular checkups. Perhaps working with a nutritionist earlier would have helped, but who could have foreseen a pandemic?
At the core of my guilt is the feeling that as his mother, I am supposed to protect and nurture him. I feel like I’ve let him down in some way. Yet, I also believe we will find answers, and he will eventually grow. When he reflects on this challenging year, I hope he remembers that he was loved and supported throughout.
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Summary:
A mother reflects on her son’s struggles with gaining weight and his history of picky eating, exacerbated by the loss of his father. After a year of minimal growth, they seek medical advice to investigate possible underlying issues. Despite feelings of guilt for not addressing the problem sooner, she holds onto hope that they will find solutions and that her son will remember this time as one filled with love and support.