Like many immigrants chasing their version of the American dream, my mother aspired to provide a better life for her family than she had experienced. Growing up in Italy during tough times, she faced hardship and scarcity before making her way to the United States. However, upon achieving her dreams, she found herself frustrated with us, her children, feeling that we were spoiled and unappreciative since we hadn’t lived through the struggles she had.
Throughout my childhood, my mother was fixated on eliciting genuine gratitude from us. Just like countless parents, she worked diligently but felt we didn’t truly recognize or appreciate her sacrifices. She expected personalized expressions of appreciation regularly, especially during holidays, her birthday, and times of financial strain.
When I see parents today anxious about their children’s apparent ingratitude, I wish I could explain why such expectations are unrealistic. One cannot compel someone else to feel a particular emotion. Just like love or hope, gratitude is a complex, deeply rooted feeling that originates from within and is influenced by external experiences. Forcing a child to express gratitude can send a damaging message: that we can dictate how others feel rather than encouraging authentic emotions. What should a parent do when their child doesn’t show appreciation on cue? Often, this leads to insincerity, which can harm both the child and the parent.
Providing basic necessities like food, shelter, and healthcare is simply part of being a parent. Expecting a child to express gratitude for these responsibilities diminishes the value of those actions. I changed my daughter’s diapers and cared for her out of love and choice, not for thanks. Gratitude, in this context, diminishes my role as a parent; I do not serve her.
Children, for much of their lives, have limited autonomy. We decide where they live, what schools they attend, what clothes they wear, what food they eat, and which relatives they interact with. How can they genuinely appreciate a life that is predominantly dictated by others?
Young children lack the life experience and emotional maturity to fully understand the world. They are not equipped to comprehend the idea that all positive aspects of life can vanish in an instant. Truly feeling grateful requires a level of awareness that young kids simply do not possess.
In my own upbringing, I attended a high school with over 1200 students, but fewer than ten were of diverse backgrounds. It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I met individuals from different cultures. My parents believed that the world outside our community was dangerous, leading to a sheltered upbringing that stifled my exposure to diversity. It wasn’t until I ventured out into the world that I began to grasp the complexities of social justice and the importance of empathy.
Of course, no parent wishes to raise entitled children lacking compassion. The fear of this outcome, combined with unrealistic demands for gratitude, often fuels the need for recognition from kids. Despite my mother’s efforts to prevent my sister and me from becoming spoiled, she overlooked the importance of nurturing well-rounded and grateful individuals. We couldn’t genuinely appreciate our upbringing without experiencing a broader world.
The most beneficial approach for well-meaning parents is to release any expectations of gratitude and instead cultivate experiences and conversations that foster authentic appreciation and empathy over time. Parenting is unpredictable, and there’s no guarantee that a simple “thank you” will ever come.
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Summary:
Young children often struggle to express true gratitude due to their limited experiences and emotional maturity. Parents should avoid demanding appreciation and instead focus on creating environments that foster authentic empathy and gratitude over time.