When my son began his high school journey, he gravitated towards a group of boys notorious for their troublemaking, a stark contrast to the friends he had in elementary and middle school. Instead of enjoying sports and movie nights, he found himself in fights, smoking marijuana in front of the school at 7 a.m., and being quite disrespectful towards me.
Although he didn’t spend much time with these boys outside of school—most were too young to drive and thought I was too strict—he did have one friend he hung out with regularly. Initially, their friendship appeared healthy; they skied together, and my son was comfortable inviting him over, which eased my worries about any sneaky behavior. He knew I wouldn’t tolerate any nonsense in my home.
However, things quickly escalated when they were caught smoking pot in our basement, then at his friend’s house, and later at school. My son’s academic performance plummeted, and he lost interest in activities like biking and skiing, which he once loved. The situation worsened when they filmed a teacher and shared it on Snapchat, leading to my son being suspended twice in just a few months.
Despite these issues, I hesitated to tell him to cut ties with his friend. I recognized that I didn’t have full control over their interactions, especially since they still saw each other at school. I also understood that my son wasn’t entirely innocent; he was still a 14-year-old responsible for his actions.
I could easily point fingers, just as his friend’s parents could blame my son. But rather than play the blame game, I focused on guiding him. I wanted to equip him with the skills to handle negative influences, which he would inevitably encounter throughout his life. We talked extensively about friendship and making choices independent of peer pressure. I emphasized that he didn’t need to compromise his values to be liked and that feeling uncomfortable about a situation was a valid reason to step away.
I noticed he was unhappy and didn’t relish the consequences of being suspended and losing privileges. My heart also went out to his friend, who seemed to be struggling as well. But then, the situation deteriorated further. My son became anxious, destructive, and depressed—a significant shift from his previous demeanor. While he wanted to spend time with his friend, each encounter led to more trouble.
After monitoring his friend’s Instagram and seeing concerning posts about drug use and life dissatisfaction, as well as learning he had dropped out of school, I knew it was time to take action. When his mother reached out, asking if my son could join them for a ski trip, I had to be honest with her. I expressed my concerns about their friendship, stating that they weren’t good for each other at that moment. My son was on the verge of expulsion, and it was clear he needed support.
Following our conversation, they maintained some communication but stopped hanging out. The change was notable at school; my son ceased fighting and managed to finish the year without further incidents.
My daughter recently faced a similar situation. She had a friend who brought marijuana to her dad’s house, and they were caught smoking. I later discovered that my daughter was struggling with self-harm as a way to cope with her anxiety. After speaking with her friend’s mom, I learned that her friend was also dealing with similar issues, leading me to the tough decision to have my daughter distance herself from this girl. It wasn’t about blame; it was about prioritizing her mental health.
Yes, my daughter was upset with me, but as a parent, I must make difficult decisions for their well-being. I explained that this wasn’t a punishment but a way for me to support them. I want them to understand the impact of having a negative influence in their lives so they can learn to make better choices as they grow.
I don’t aim to control my kids’ friendships; they will encounter all kinds of relationships throughout their lives. However, it’s crucial to intervene when they’re in a harmful situation while they’re still under our roof and we can see the dynamics at play.