Every morning, my eldest son is the one who wakes me up. Since the pandemic began and he’s been learning from home, he has maintained his early-riser routine. He has always been an early bird, so I never worry about him being late. Even after obtaining his driver’s license, he took charge of driving his siblings to school, always ensuring they were ready on time, warming up the car, and eager to hit the road.
We’ve shared countless mornings watching the news together while I exercise and he enjoys his breakfast before class. Just this morning, I woke to him leaving the house before 6:30 — he went to pick up milk since we were out. He thrives on his schedule, and I usually know what to expect from him. His humor can both annoy me and have me laughing at the same time.
Since my divorce, he has really stepped up. He wanted to learn how to mow the lawn like he used to watch his father do, doesn’t mind snow blowing the driveway, and is responsible for keeping the washer fluid filled in my car. Even though I never intended for him to feel this kind of responsibility — no child should feel like they must be the “man” of the house — it’s just part of who he is.
Now that he’s in his senior year of high school, the reality that he will be leaving soon is sinking in, and I can’t quite wrap my head around the emptiness that will fill this home. I’m not trying to suppress my feelings; I know I have to let them wash over me. To be honest, I’ve been dreading this day since he was born. My life changed completely when he entered it, and there’s no going back to what it was before I became his mother.
I’ve had him by my side every day since then. I haven’t experienced long stretches without seeing him, and he hasn’t had a separate life where I’m not involved. The thought of waking up one morning without hearing him move around the house or his voice as he grabs his keys to go to work is heartbreaking.
Once he leaves, the void he will create for me — and his siblings — is going to be challenging for all of us. The oldest child often paves the way, guiding their siblings (often without being asked). They play a significant role in shaping your journey through motherhood, sharing so many first experiences together. The bond we share is unbreakable.
I know I will see him again. I will always be his mother, and our love will remain as he embarks on his new path to independence. But things will change; it will never be the same as it is now. I wish I could pause time.
People talk about Empty Nest Syndrome, mentioning how difficult it is when children leave home. But they rarely discuss the deep pain that comes with it. Just thinking about it now makes my heart ache. What are mothers supposed to do with that? When will I come to terms with the fact that a huge part of our family will be absent? How long will it take to adjust to this new dynamic, knowing that one of our own is gone?
You feel like you have all the time in the world with your children — until it suddenly feels like it’s running out. Every moment you realize your eldest is about to leave, the anxiety bubbles in your chest, and let me tell you, it’s not easy.
My eldest contributes so much to our family without even realizing it. He brings an irreplaceable quality to our lives. Just like all the other milestones we’ve faced together, we will navigate this change too. He will adapt, but I know it will be tougher for me. One of the harsh truths of motherhood is that sometimes you must let go, regardless of whether you’re ready.
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In summary, the impending departure of my eldest child fills me with dread and sadness. The void he will leave behind is something I’m struggling to accept, knowing that our family dynamic will change forever. Yet, I understand that this is a natural part of growing up and that, although it will be hard, we will find a way to adapt.