I’ve struggled with skin picking for as long as I can remember. As a child, I would pick at my cuticles, damaging my nail beds with both my fingers and teeth. In my teenage years, I found myself digging into my ankles, creating wounds on my skin that only grew worse as I got older. Over time, I became adept at concealing my behaviors; however, the underlying issues remained. My lips are perpetually chapped, revealing more about my mental state than I care to admit. This behavior stems from dermatillomania, a chronic condition marked by the compulsive urge to pick at one’s skin, known as excoriation disorder.
At first glance, I may appear fine—there are no visible injuries or scars. But those who know me well see beyond the surface. I often run my fingers over my lips, searching for imperfections to pull at. At home, I focus on the naturally cracked skin on my feet, engaging in hours of picking that can lead to pain and even bleeding. Despite my desire to stop, I find it nearly impossible. The action has become instinctual and habitual. Often, I don’t realize I’m doing it until I feel discomfort or see blood. Picking offers me a strange sense of relief amidst the chaos in my mind, providing a moment of focus and control—though I know this sense of control is illusory.
Dermatillomania is classified as a mental health disorder related to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). According to Mental Health America, it involves repetitive skin picking, which can be directed at healthy skin or minor irregularities. This disorder is typically chronic, with periods of remission followed by cycles of increased symptoms. I’ve been dealing with this for over two decades.
The intensity of my condition has fluctuated. At 15, my picking led to self-harm; in my 20s, it was less severe, but now, it often arises from feelings of anxiety and trauma. I pick when I’m worried, bored, or feeling down, leading to more injuries and scars. Writing this alone has caused me to touch my lips numerous times, making them feel fragile and worn.
Yet, there is hope. Dermatillomania can be managed through therapy, medication, and techniques like habit reversal training. This method helps individuals find alternative activities to replace skin picking, such as squeezing a stress ball. Understanding my condition was a turning point; I didn’t realize dermatillomania was a recognized disorder until my 30s. Knowing this has been liberating, yet the struggle continues. Despite therapy and support, I still battle the urge to pick. My partner often reminds me when I’m engaging in this behavior, but the fight is ongoing. I share my story to connect with others facing similar challenges, hoping to break the silence and shame surrounding this issue.
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- What is dermatillomania?
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- How to support someone with a skin picking disorder.
In summary, my experience with chronic skin picking is a complex interplay of control and compulsion, marked by a desire for relief that often leads to pain. While managing dermatillomania can be challenging, understanding the disorder and seeking help can lead to improvement.