When my daughter was just three years old, we had our first discussion about race. She returned home from her preschool feeling upset because a classmate pointed out that her brown skin “looked like mud.” I was at a loss for words and honestly, I wanted to cry. Thankfully, my mother, a retired educator, stepped in. “You know what else is brown?” she asked. “Chocolate, and chocolate chip cookies, and everyone loves those!” We shared a laugh (because, well, mud) and indulged in some chocolate chip cookies afterward. This painful moment highlighted two vital truths I face as a mother of Black children. First, I must talk about race with my children much sooner than I ever anticipated. Second, the role played by my white friends and their children is crucial in shaping how my children perceive themselves. To suggest that we need to collaborate is an understatement; we are partners in this journey.
I am biracial. My father was a Black professional athlete from a large family in a small town in Pennsylvania, while my mother is white and Jewish, raised near Boston. I married a Black man, and until we relocated to a suburb of New York City in September, we were raising our three Black children—ages 8, 6, and 4—in Manhattan.
I grew up just outside of Boston and attended a predominantly white private school for thirteen years. My days were filled with classes and lacrosse practice, but my evenings were spent at a nearby predominantly Black Boys and Girls club, where I played basketball. I had a wardrobe that ranged from L.L. Bean shoes to Nike sneakers and basketball shorts. Despite navigating these two worlds, my mother taught me from an early age that the world would see me as a Black woman—more specifically, as “not white.”
In June, as protests erupted over the deaths of Black individuals at the hands of police, many of my white childhood friends began reaching out. One friend asked me how I was discussing the current racial climate with my children. She admitted uncertainty about what to share with her own four kids. I felt her vulnerability and humility, which gave me comfort and hope, confirming that I am surrounded by people who care enough to ask. “If you could shape the conversation that white parents have with their kids, what would it look like?”
I’m sure every parent of a Black child has had “The Talk”—we don’t have a choice. But the progress we need hinges on white parents having conversations of their own. We must share this responsibility.
After three months of lockdown in our small Manhattan apartment, we rented a house in a suburb in June. As we pulled into the driveway, our collective sigh of relief was likely heard by our friends back in the city. Life in the suburbs felt unchanged by the pandemic and social unrest. Neighbors greeted each other without masks, and the sense of normalcy was a privilege that many of my friends raising children outside the city—most of whom are white—enjoyed, while my friends in the city did not. Once again, I found myself navigating two worlds, but this time with a clearer identity and a heightened sense of responsibility as a mother amid the nation’s racial turmoil.
How we address race with our children is a deeply personal decision, but avoiding the topic or teaching children to be “colorblind” only perpetuates the history of systemic racism that we must confront. White parents will not have the same conversation that Black parents do. However, a commitment from white parents to engage in this dialogue can create a mutually beneficial foundation of tolerance and understanding, helping protect my children from the unintended consequences of racial bias.
As a multiracial woman raising Black children in a predominantly white area, I urge my white friends to initiate conversations about race with their kids. Here are some suggestions:
- Explore History Through Books: Educate your children about Black history to humanize the Black experience. Choose books that introduce historical figures who shaped racial history and social justice. Reading “The Drinking Gourd” by F.N. Monjo at lunch led to discussions about the Underground Railroad, highlighting the bravery of both Black and white individuals in the fight for freedom.
- Teach in Unexpected Ways: My daughters often wear shirts featuring prominent historical figures like Harriet Tubman and Rosa Parks. This approach not only educates them but also sparks conversations about our shared history.
- Foster Listening and Action: Equip your children to be allies by encouraging dialogue with those who have different cultural experiences. Engage them in discussions about fairness and equality, acknowledging the unique perspectives of being white.
- Highlight Everyone’s Role: Emphasize that social movements require collaboration. Watching protests together, I pointed out that they included people of all backgrounds. It’s crucial for our children to understand that the fight for justice is a shared battle.
- Adhere to The Golden Rule: Ultimately, teaching your children to treat others with kindness and respect transcends race. As parents, we must cultivate empathy and understanding in the next generation.
By becoming open about our country’s racial history, normalizing conversations about race, and committing to work together, we can raise a generation that advocates for the necessary changes in our world. We can’t afford to wait.
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Summary
In navigating the complexities of race, the author shares her personal experiences as a biracial parent raising Black children. She emphasizes the necessity for white parents to engage in meaningful conversations about race to foster understanding and protect Black children from bias. Through reading, unexpected teaching methods, and promoting empathy, families can work together to cultivate a generation that advocates for social justice.