“Honestly, I can’t always be the enforcer,” my partner sighed, visibly frustrated as he once again raised his voice at our four-year-old daughter, dragging her off to her room for a breather. During a colossal meltdown, she had thrown random items in a fit over what seemed trivial to us but was clearly infuriating for a preschooler. She stubbornly refused to clean up the mess.
Just moments later, our little one appeared in front of me, cheeks flushed and a few tears glistening in her eyes. With a cheeky grin, she exclaimed, “Mommy, you’re the best!” I couldn’t help but embrace her, unable to resist her charm.
“See? She always runs to you after getting in trouble,” my partner grumbled. “I need you to support me.”
“Alright, alright,” I conceded. “I’ll work on being more assertive.” I realized we needed to present a united front on discipline, especially after spending every waking moment together during the pandemic, with daycare closed for six months. But balancing nurturing with setting boundaries was no easy feat for me.
I grew up in an environment where expressing myself was often met with fear. My immigrant father enforced stringent ‘tiger parenting’ principles, expecting absolute compliance and discouraging the sharing of any emotional struggles. Negative feelings were deemed selfish and unacceptable.
When my daughter was born, I vowed to nurture her with all the love I could offer, ensuring she felt valued every day. I wanted to provide her with a childhood vastly different from my own. “I want her experiences to be the complete opposite of mine,” I shared with my partner.
I found immense joy in showering our daughter with affection and support. I made a conscious effort to involve her in everyday choices, from selecting playgrounds to deciding on lunches. Whether I was the “first mate” in her pirate adventures or the “student” in our basketball games, I aimed to boost her self-esteem, a concept I had missed out on in my childhood.
“Self-esteem? That’s just fluff,” my father would scoff when I proposed instilling it in my daughter, insisting on a healthy version rather than an inflated one. Despite earning an Ivy League degree and an MBA, my shaky self-esteem hindered my career progress, leading to frequent job changes. It wasn’t until I actively worked on believing in myself that I secured my first senior leadership position.
However, I still struggled to discipline my daughter, even when her behavior warranted it. The shock and hurt in her eyes when I raised my voice broke my heart, triggering memories of my own childhood experiences that left me feeling voiceless. I began to notice that I was leaning towards indulgence in my parenting style. Yet, contemporary parenting trends seemed to support this approach. At her preschool, teachers focused on “redirecting” behavior rather than punishment, and I had read that even time-outs were considered harmful.
While my daughter generally behaved well for her age, her outbursts could be intense, resulting in her throwing toys and even furniture during tantrums. After one particularly chaotic episode, we found her room in complete disarray, with her glaring at us from her bed.
I couldn’t shake my concerns. I worried that her teachers wouldn’t be as accommodating when she started kindergarten next year. I didn’t want her to embody the “only child syndrome.” More importantly, I needed her to be prepared for a world filled with challenges and disappointments, as well as opportunities.
I’m pleased to say that in recent months, we’ve made significant strides as a family. We aim to avoid yelling, but when it happens, we don’t dwell on it. My partner and I strive to stay calm and firm when necessary, explaining to our daughter the consequences of her actions and encouraging her to articulate her feelings once she has calmed down.
Interestingly, it was our four-year-old who helped shape this approach. After a particularly intense tantrum, I sensed she was still upset hours later. “What’s wrong?” I gently asked. “You seem sad.”
“It really made me sad when Daddy yelled so loudly,” she replied sincerely. During that incident, I had retreated, leaving my partner to take the lead.
“What would you like us to do differently when you’re having a tough time?” I asked.
“Just tell me to breathe and calm down and remind me about my happy thoughts,” she suggested, referring to a beloved children’s book about maintaining a “bucket” of joy. I was impressed by her maturity, realizing that while young children struggle with emotional regulation, they possess reasoning skills that we often underestimate.
We are progressively finding a disciplinary method that suits us—one that I believe is democratic and emotionally intelligent, teaching and guiding while setting healthy boundaries. My partner and I are increasingly approaching discipline as a unified team.
The notion of discipline no longer triggers anxiety for me. Perhaps I can thank my strict upbringing for motivating me to explore different parenting styles and their effects. My partner is relieved to be seen as the “hero” in our daughter’s eyes rather than the villain.
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Summary:
In navigating the challenges of parenting, I reflect on my authoritarian upbringing and its influence on my approach to discipline. Striving for a balance between nurturing and setting limits, my partner and I are learning to work together as a team to guide our daughter while ensuring she feels supported. By fostering open communication and understanding, we aim to prepare her for the complexities of life ahead.