Dear Little One,
This past year has been anything but ordinary; as one of our favorite musicals puts it, “the world turned upside down.” However, instead of dwelling on the challenges, I find myself overflowing with gratitude for you.
You’ve brought a surge of uncontainable Kindergartener Energy into my life. Just this weekend, when I hoped for a moment of peace, your vibrant spirit made that impossible. By Sunday evening, I was surrounded by a mountain of craft projects from YouTube, a stack of dirty dishes from our culinary adventures, and layers of costume makeup. I wondered how I would manage the rest of winter with limited outings. Once upon a time, the Nintendo Switch or Disney+ could buy me a brief reprieve, but now even those distractions have lost their charm for you. So there I was, nodding off on the couch at 8:30 PM while you serenaded your unicorn plushie from the comfort of your bed.
Then Monday arrived, and you went off to your dad’s place. Almost instantly, I felt the ache of missing you.
There’s a quote from a movie called Friends with Kids that resonates with me: “Actually, divorced people have it kind of great. They get all of the toxic, unsexy stuff out of the way with the first person, then when they meet the person they really want to be with, they only have to be with the kid half the time… they get all kinds of time together when the kid’s with the ex, then they get QT with the kid because it’s special.”
I think about this quote often, especially when you’re with your dad. Why? Because it helps me cope. Life has its trials, and we must strive to find the silver linings. With you only half the time, I get to enjoy quality moments with my partner and some much-needed rest after a busy week. Those are genuine positives worth celebrating.
However, I must hold onto this quote tightly; otherwise, the reality of missing out on half your childhood can feel overwhelming. Sometimes, even with my best efforts, those feelings creep back in, and it’s a lot for this anxious heart to bear. I wouldn’t change a thing because your time with your dad matters just as much as our moments together, but it still stings more than words can express.
But when we reunite, it truly feels like a celebration. Each time I see you again is as exciting as Christmas was to me as a child, as if I’ve been eagerly awaiting your return.
Today, we woke up early (mostly because you jumped into my room demanding snuggles and an episode of Bluey). We made eggs together, giggling as our puppies tried to snag the peanut butter and banana from our toast. We donned fancy dresses and danced along to our Spotify playlist in the family room. It was a blast.
Even though I only have you part-time, I am endlessly grateful for the moments we share — and for the privilege of being your mom.
With all my love,
Your Devoted Mama