Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders and Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Compliments have always made me uneasy. I can’t pinpoint the reason, but it’s something my therapist might delve into. Recently, though, a compliment left me shaken. Four simple words rattled my entire being. Why? Because they were false and misleading—just plain untrue.
So, what was this unsettling compliment? A friend, whom I hadn’t seen in months, exclaimed, “Wow! You look amazing.” Just like that—game over.
You might think this is trivial, harmless even. But knowing this person well, I understood what they meant: I looked good physically. Since March, I’ve lost weight, but being praised for my appearance struck a nerve—because I’m not healthy.
I’m not okay.
My weight loss has stemmed from anger, sadness, and loss. My mother passed away suddenly in June, and in July, I came out to my husband. Like many, I’ve struggled mentally during the pandemic. I feel hopeless and trapped. My habits have deteriorated, old thought patterns resurfacing alongside an eating disorder that had long been dormant.
Each day starts with a cup of black iced coffee. I guzzle water to suppress my appetite and stretch the time between meals just as I count calories. Intermittent fasting has become my routine, where I restrict eating during certain hours. I opt for low or fat-free foods, meticulously measuring everything I consume: ten pretzels, five strawberries, three olives, half a cup of yogurt. If I have breakfast, lunch is off the table, and I rarely finish dinner. My workouts have become obsessive—logging over 50 miles a week is easy for me.
I claim it’s for my mental health (which it somewhat is), but the truth is, I’m fixated on my weight. I loathe the size of my stomach and thighs. Thinness dictates my existence.
I’ve wasted years chasing “perfection.”
My struggles are rooted in body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), a mental health condition involving obsessive, negative thoughts about one’s appearance. “Body dysmorphic disorder is characterized by persistent negative perceptions of flaws—real or imagined—that disrupt daily life,” explains Dr. Emily Johnson, a therapist based in Los Angeles. And that’s my reality.
My daily schedule revolves around workouts and food. I’ve missed family gatherings to exercise. Before the pandemic, I dodged social events focused on food. I often sleep excessively, lacking the energy to engage in life—just existing is a challenge. I fixate on nutrition labels and push through physical pain. My mindset isn’t merely disordered; it’s addictive. I crave control, the feeling of power, and the relentless pursuit of perfection.
I’m not alone. Dr. Johnson notes that addictive behaviors frequently accompany disordered eating. “People can become addicted to exercise, food, or the lack thereof. These addictions can alter pleasure pathways in the brain, leading one to believe these habits are beneficial. However, when they disrupt daily functioning, a problem may arise.”
So, what should you do if you face similar issues? According to Dr. Johnson, reaching out for support is crucial: “Connect with friends, family, or a mental health professional for accountability.” I recognize I need to heed this advice; from the outside, no one would suspect my struggles—not my spouse, my friends, or my therapist. I’ve kept my battles hidden until now. It’s time to turn things around. I deserve to be happy and healthy.
If you or someone you know is grappling with an eating disorder or disordered behaviors, consider reaching out for help. For additional information, visit this link, which provides excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, or check out this other blog post for more insights. You can also explore this authority on home insemination for essential information.
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Summary:
This article discusses the complexities of unhealthy weight loss, revealing how a friend’s compliment triggered a realization about the author’s struggles with body dysmorphic disorder and an eating disorder. The piece emphasizes the importance of recognizing unhealthy habits and seeking support, while also encouraging readers to reach out if they face similar challenges.